attepmting to step out of a comfort zone

"Define sucess first and the rest will follow."  This piece of advice is sticking with me, even into the midmorning, rushing around aspect of my day.  So I will try to figure out what it means in relation to me.
I am attempting to challenge myself this year with my writing in general and my blogging specifically.  I have always loved to write, to read, to invest in stories from others and to view my own stories in print.  There is something so real and alive and honest about the written word and the sharing of ideas that speaks to me.  I would spend hours in my room as a child and teenager just writing; short stories, poetry, journal entries, letters to friends and family.  Often, my mother would make me write out my feelings or words of apology and explanation for my behavior or attitude.  I resented doing it at the time but I believe it helped savage my moody relationship with my mother.  Emotions I could disguise with my attitude and actions, I could never disguise in my writing.  I find that still true, when I write the walls do come down. I find it harder to voice emotion and explanation and struggle in conversation.  However, it is not as difficult for me to face and share these things as I write.  

 I had a friend challenge me the other day after reading a blog post, stating that a sense of hesistation was still present in my writing, in my blogging.  It was noted that I tend to stop short of fully exposing myself, I am still in part disguise.  I knew it, I sensed it, I just was not aware it was obvious to others.  There is an absolute hesistancy in my writing and my sharing.  I, like most people, feel a need to safeguard myself and avoid vulnerability.  I am attempting to challenge myself to break through this resistance and avoidance of authenticity and honesty. 

What I have discovered in the last two years of my life is that there is great beauty and growth in true vulnerability.  I have experienced incredible moments when my words, and my sharing have touched others and helped others.  Moments of relatability and openness that have helped me realize that no one is ever alone and that life is not lived in a vacuum, that we are meant to share and help and struggle together. 
I think of a great verse from Isaiah 61, "...beauty from the ashes."  This imagery has always touched and inspired me, that out of destruction and despair, beauty and hope can be created.  Any beauty that has come out of my life is a direct result of God's grace, not my own power or work.  I am attempting to go forward in my life in all aspects.  There are days when the ash in my life is so evident, it sticks to everything, distorts and grays everything.  Many days when I wonder what beauty will come of all of this;  and when will the beauty be more evident than the destruction? 
Today that advice is sticking to me like a taunt or a challenge.  How do I define sucess in my writing?  Popularity, nah.  Appreciation, maybe slightly, I can be vain.  I often wish for understanding, for others to suddenly have an "aha" moment concerning me and what ever struggle I am going through.  I have issues that concern and inspire me. Mothering is so very precious to me, a gift and role I treasure.  I often wish to provide a different perspective or insight into all I am experiencing as a mother.  But even that isnt the true definiton of sucess for me.  An appreciation for the challenges and accomplishments of a special needs mother would be a wonderful byproduct of my writing but it isnt the goal.  I think the goal for me is to reach a place of vulnerabilty and openness and to not back down for anything or anyone.  To not deny any of myself or rearrange myself or question myself.  It's my own battle, I struggle mostly against myself, although others can easily join forces against me. 

I'm guessing the struggle to be authentic and true is valid to many people.  It is hard to live fully exposed, to be willing to share openly, without hesistation.  The hesistation is a safety measure to avoid being hurt, criticized, ostracized even.  The hesitation can become a stumbling block or even a full blockade.  Comfort is always easier but it isnt always as rewarding.   So I will attempt to be fully me, attempt to work through my vulnerability and see what follows. 
Or maybe I should just write romance novels, that might be easier and funner.