The acceptance of a friend

I have this friend, an amazing girlfriend I have known since second grade.  We were acquaintances, classmates until our senior year of high school.  That year we took an AP Biology class first thing in the morning.  It was an interesting dynamic, 3 girls, 3 boys and probably the best high school science teacher out there.  The class was competitve, the coursework was challenging and in that atmosphere our friendship blossommed.  At times we excelled, other times we slacked off together.  We still talk about that class, about that year and how it solidified our friendship.


We went our seperate ways for college but still remained in contact.  She was there to celebrate when I became engaged, complete with complimentary and embarrassing blow-up doll and other silly gifts.  She was there the day of my wedding, the one who did my hair and make-up and made me look gorgeous.  She was also the one driving me to the chapel, asking if I was sure and offering a last minute trip to the beach instead.  You may think, well that isn't supportive but I would strongly disagree.  For me this girl, this friend, was saying, "No matter what, I am here.  Nothing you could do would surprise me or shock me out of being here for you."


 Loyalty and honesty, the two traits that have carried our friendship throughout the years. I chose the marriage/mommy route and she chose the career route. The two are not mutually exclusive but they were the roles we chose to play in our lives.  Our lives became busier, we didn't talk every day or even every few months but there was always an ease when contact was made again.  We could pick up right where we left off.  There were no expectations placed on the friendship. 


Flash forward to the birth of my first daughter.  She was born in the middle of the night.  Jason left early in the morning, around 5 to grab a bite to eat and refresh himself.  I was in the hospital room alone with my baby for the first time.  I began to panic, feeling an unnerving amount of fear and insecurity about my new role as a mother.  How in the world was I going to manage caring for a tiny little baby?  Overwhelmed with my feelings of ineptness, I picked up the phone.  I could have called my mom or my husband but I knew exactly who to call.  I dialed her number and woke her at 5:30 am to share the news.  I still remember to this day our conversation.  After a few minutes of adjusting to the early hour, she was so reassuring and sure of me, more sure than I was at the moment.  And I knew I could trust her, trust her judgement.  I began to relax and trust in myself and embrace this new role of a mother without insecurity. 


Our friendship is not one sided; she would be the first to confirm that.  I have also received my share of phone calls over the years from her.  I hope I have given her the same sense of understanding and acceptance that she has given to me.  Occasionally we are lucky enough to get together for drinks or dinner but these are few and widespread moments.  Our friendship survives on phone tag and a willingness to be flexible,honest and open.


Just yesterday we talked and we laughed and shared stories.  I told her of my latest confessional.  I may not be the feminist I thought I was!  I uttered a phrase over the weekend I never imagined I would say.  In frustration I told my husband to..."be the man already and make the decision!"  I think before I had even finished the sentence my face was red and I was trying to pull my words back in.  She and I laughed over this statement but we also discussed it in seriousness.  I needed to say that I was feeling a need to be taken care of.  Gulp.  Cringe.  Release of control.  I can laugh about it now but in the moment I was appalled at my statement, and my husband was equally taken back.


 I dont know if anyone else can relate but I have a hard time relinquishing control.  I also put immense pressure on myself to be strong, to be on top of things, to be in charge.  In that statement, so against my nature, I was expressing a need for release. I am struggling with the dynamic of change and control right now in my life.    The desire to have struggles taken care of for me, although agaisnt my nature, is very strong for me right now. 

  It was not until I could talk and laugh with a friend that I gained new perspective on this need for rest in my life.  At first, I struggled and rebelled against admitting this desire.   I was embarrassed and slightly irked at my weakness.  However, through laughter and openness with a friend I was given fresh perspective and was able to stop judging myself and breathe a sigh of relief. 

It isn't weak to admit when you are overwhelmed.  It isn't weakness to ask and accept help.  It isn't weakness to relinquish control and expectation to someone you trust and love.  Often times for me the control is more about remaining safe and avoiding vulnerabilty.  I feel completely naked and vulnerable in my life right now; in my role as a mother and also just as a woman.  Circumstances and events have troubled me, rattled me.  In talking with my friend, in being unguarded and truthful, I was able to feel a sense of relief, a reprieve, and a validation of my self. 

Sometimes I think we just need someone else, someone outside our situation to provide fresh perspective, new insight.  It's wonderful when that person is a friend, one who says, "Nothing you can do or say would shock me out of being here for you!"  Life is much easier when you can be vulnerable and real and still be supported and accepted. 

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