Sunday, September 5, 2010

I didnt bend

I sat in church this morning with the realization that my heart is broken. I willed myself to face it, to even begin to approach it. I waited for the wall to come down. But it hasn't yet and so I venture further into facing it.

Lately, I have been sharing more with friends, close, dear friends, about the state of my life, of the different things going on, of where I am in the middle of my circumstances. Several friends, sweet Christian friends have gathered around me, offered prayer, a listening ear, and encouragement. Several in offering up prayers to God on my behalf, have broken down, have shed tears, have even openly wept. I have stood almost stoically, touched by their love, grateful for a loving God, but distant. I feel broken in a way I cant describe. Distant, unwilling to yield more of myself.
I sat at the middle school on Friday in the car pool line, the new bane of my existence, the waiting in traffic for my child. But I sat there staring out the window as Caleb fussed in his car seat and the traffic never seemed to move forward; we were stuck in time, stuck in traffic. I watched the pine tree branches, full and lush blow in the strong wind. They were able to bend, to go with the flow, never breaking, just going up and down and all around. And then the rain started, softly at first but then pounding. Others closed their windows, I opened mine fully and let the smell of the rain and the approaching storm into my senses. I watched those branches and I thought, I didn't bend, I broke.
I didn't bend. I broke. I broke all around, fully, completely. I couldnt keep my self together, my life together, it fell apart, all around me, piece by piece. At first I tried to actively hold my life together, tightly I clung to faith, to hope, to people. But over time as more and more became damaged or changed I gave up fighting and looked for shelter. Finding none within easy reach, I built my own, but not on steady ground. My dreams, my relationships, my faith, my body, my hope; I know longer clung tightly, I willingly ungrasped my fingers and let them fly away in the storm.
I never felt the full force of the storm on Friday, just a refreshing rain and strong wind. But it helped me focus in on the landscape of my life and I cant seem to catch my breath now. I feel broken. I see dreams I thought would see me through life fall apart before my eyes. I see realtionships I thought would carry me and shelter me revealed in new, stark, honest light. I am wary. I am surprised at how far I allowed the world, my self, despair and anger to carry me.
I believe in a Loving God, a forgiving God, A saviour full of Grace. and I wait for my walls to break.