Post op

I took a very long shower this morning, hoping the hot water would help some of the aches and pain I am having. I am almost a week into my recovery from surgery and doing rather well on most days, most hours of the day. I think today I have had a minor setback, I attempted to do too much activity yesterday and my body is protesting.
I have been sore and I tire easily, I am also slightly stir crazy and antsy. My mom has been here taking care of the kids, of the housework and beautiful friends have been bringing dinner nightly. I have felt my body responding to the rest, to the medication, felt it start to heal and repair. Today as I stood in the shower I realized it was the first day my abdomen was not swollen, the bruising is starting to fade but not the scars. It's so funny, I was so upset after my c-section about my incision scar. It was devastating to see it, I hid it from others. Now I have four new scars, all much smaller, but still present. The girls all grimaced when they saw my stomach, black and purple with three new bandages and a very funny looking belly button incision. "Poor mommy," Vanny said..."and this time you don't even get a baby for the cutting on your stomach." Her tender heart, her sweet little innocence, and the truth of her statement. No more babies for me, just bruises and scarring.
More than anything I have pain where my ovary was, I am not sure if it is just physical or also emotional pain. I have been so tired that I haven't spent much time on the emotional damage from my surgery. But I know it's there. Standing in the shower today, noticing my abdomen and my scars, new and old, I felt loss and sadness. My c-section scar for so long was a vivid reminder of how my life was quickly torn, changed. The scar was jagged and long and ugly, jarring every time I glanced at it. The scars from my hysterectomy are smaller, more methodical and planned. In some ways that helps. I had no control over the damage done to my body from Caleb's birth. I could never resent actions that saved my life and my son's, but the method and the unskilled, rushed manner in which his surgery was done, I did resent and cry over. Weep over. I chose my surgeon for my hysterectomy, I chose my hospital, I chose how much and the procedure for the surgery. Obviously there were still a few unknowns going into the surgery but nothing was rushed or chaotic.
When I woke from anesthesia after Caleb was born, all I could ask is if he was alive, over and over. When I awoke from this last surgery, I asked the nurse over and over, "Did he take both ovaries or just one?" I was fuzzy and having a hard time remembering, she told me she was going to write it down because I asked so many times. Obviously wanting to know if my son lived is more critical, more important but both questions to me speak of life. I did not want to lose both of my ovaries, I felt it would change my life in a manner I was not willing to embrace at 32. Thankfully, luckily, I did not lose both of my ovaries. Only one and both of my tubes and my uterus but I already knew that, I ad already accepted the loss of my uterus. I knew going into the surgery, that my womb would be gone, I was willing to accept that loss because I knew it was necessary. I was not willing to accept the loss of both ovaries, of the instant onset of menopause. I was so worried about how it would change me as a young woman. The loss of both tubes was slightly shocking, I had to say, "wait, what?" a few times in recovery. It seems a little silly now, why worry about tubes if you don't have a womb, if you cant carry a baby anyway, anymore. It was more just wanting to hold onto anything womanly of me that I could, anything that was not damaged from my c-section. So everything is cleaned up, in a manner of speaking. My hope is that as I heal from the surgery, no more issues or pain will arise. In a few months, a year, I will feel completely better and it will all be a distant memory. I wont feel damaged on the inside or still in pain from a surgery that happened almost two years ago. I hope, as friends who have had hysterectomies have shared, that I will feel better than I have ever felt. My c-section scar is still there on the outside, even though most of the internal scar tissue has been removed. I seem to grow more used to it each day, it isn't quite as jarring and obvious, it's just another part of me. I hope the same will be true for my other new scars as they heal and fade. I do feel a sadness and a letdown about the need for a hysterectomy at 32 but reaching a point of acceptance is a little easier than it was after my c-section.
I really feel I could go deeper into examining and explaining all of this. Both surgeries were life-altering to me. I am sure as I continue to heal I will revisit these thoughts but right now although, sore and very tired, I feel a sense of relief, and a sense of appreciation for my body. I have carried four beautiful children, I am very blessed. That part of my body's job description is over but I still get to be a mother who carries them in her heart and soon, as soon as my stitches heal, in my arms again. I still get to be a young woman who loves and nurtures and nothing can change that.