I am so excited. Cowboy Jason (aka my little brother) is flying in from Kansas tomorrow. I am spending the weekend with 3 of my best friends, my siblings. The chatter this morning at the Craven house was so fun, full of excitement for tomorrow. The girls have not seen their uncle since January and tomorrow starts the kickoff of a weekend with cousins as well. Savannah calls Jason her favorite buddy, it's the cutest thing. I love the bond they have formed and we miss having him close by although we fully support his eventual move to Florida. If not close to home, why not somewhere warm and beautiful, and not flat, cold, far away Kansas.
We are having a big family party tomorrow. My mom, filled with- my baby boy is coming home excitement, has cooked all of his favorites, probably in overabundance. My father is already planning the drive to Columbus in his own way, which back road are we taking this time Dad? My dad loves his scenic routes. After a big family party tomorrow, my two brothers, my sister and I will be heading to Wild and Wonderful West Virginia. I feel like I should be playing Country Roads already. We have tickets to the Wvu-Syracuse game Saturday and plans to just enjoy the weekend. Mountains, fall trees in all of their beauty, crisp air and sunshine, blue and gold Mountaineers everywhere, I can hardly wait.
I'm so charged to go I think because I have needed this. I've been fortunate to have traveled much this past year. I have labeled it "Christina's Summer of Fun Tour" and extended it into fall. It all started a month or two after my surgery with a promise or a pact with one of my closest friends. Both of us realizing we needed change in our lives, she needing more of a work/family balance and me needing more time investing in myself again. And so a pact was formed to check in, to hold each other accountable and to encourage one another to be the change we need in our own life. I think I stole that quote from somebody but it sounds good. And so in small and large ways I have set out to nurture Christina again. I've been running, writing, traveling, making more time for friends,incorporating my kids in my passions and activities,saying yes to things that excite me and no to things that bog me down. And this weekend will probably be one of the highlights of my year, a year of struggle and loss but punctuated with happy exclamation point moments. And so the Summer of Fun tour continues with much giggling and shenanigans anticipated for this weekend.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
My Nike statement
The motto for my life, JUST LET ME BE.
If I were to design a t shirt that accurately represents me, my heart, my sentiment, my "Nike" statement if you will, it would say this, "Just Let Me Be."
Not as in leave me alone or do not even think about bothering me; no, that isn't what I mean. I love people, enjoy being involved and invested in people. How can I help, what do you need, two of my favorite statements said genuinely. I've been blessed many times over by friends and strangers who have offered assistance and care and I like to pass it on.
But here I am at 33, wife, mother, daughter,sister,friend, some days wishing I could scream, just let me be. Or even say it in my, calm, mild-mannered, gently spoken voice, almost above a whisper: Let me Be! Let me be.
Let me be the girl I was. Let me be the woman I want. Let me be who I am right now. There are still remnants of the girl I was. Was as in when? Before I became a responsible adult? Before I became a mother? Before I became a mom of a special needs boy? Before I became a woman who lost her reproductive organs and skyrocketed into menopause? The girl who would try anything once, the girl who didn't look for assurances in life but embraced challenges. That girl's motto was "Bring it, I'll be ready." I'm no longer that girl although I try to embrace and incorporate her spirit in simple ways. Life taught me some hard lessons and they changed who I was.
The woman I want to be she seems almost as unattainable as the girl I was who so easily retreated, disappeared. I want to be strong and capable and giving and selfless. I want to be more, so simple in a statement, More. I want to be more than I am now. More than a wife, mother, daughter, sister, those are all roles I play, central to who I am, absolutely, yet dependent on others, on relationship dynamics.I want to be a writer, an advocate, and a capable, confident woman again. My surgery, this change in my life, robbed me of confidence and I stand on shaky ground. I want to be a woman who rises above that.
But right now I'm coping, looking in a mirror trying to find the best reflection of myself. The reality is that I am just staring back at myself and I need to accept who I see, not look for better lighting, or a different angle. I am a woman in the midst of a change I did not want, did not expect but cannot alter. Many days I do my best to just manage all the roles in my life. I don't take time for me and I think it is part of why I don't recognize myself now. Also part of why I feel the need to scream my new motto. For me in some ways change came over night, the birth of a son with health issues, the almost instant onset of menopause after a surgery, instantaneous and shocking alterations in my life. But in other ways, change is gradual, almost sneaking up on you. I became busy with life, with fulfilling the responsibilities of my life, and now my life is full of pressure, expectation and busyness.
I am attempting to come out of the retreat mode I entered into months ago. It seems riddled with setbacks and traps of my own making. I no longer offer the challenge of "Bring it" to the universe. Right now more than anything I just want to be. Be what? Just let me be who I am and not who you need or want me to be. Be whatever I need to be and I can tell you it probably isn't strong or capable.
If I were to design a t shirt that accurately represents me, my heart, my sentiment, my "Nike" statement if you will, it would say this, "Just Let Me Be."
Not as in leave me alone or do not even think about bothering me; no, that isn't what I mean. I love people, enjoy being involved and invested in people. How can I help, what do you need, two of my favorite statements said genuinely. I've been blessed many times over by friends and strangers who have offered assistance and care and I like to pass it on.
But here I am at 33, wife, mother, daughter,sister,friend, some days wishing I could scream, just let me be. Or even say it in my, calm, mild-mannered, gently spoken voice, almost above a whisper: Let me Be! Let me be.
Let me be the girl I was. Let me be the woman I want. Let me be who I am right now. There are still remnants of the girl I was. Was as in when? Before I became a responsible adult? Before I became a mother? Before I became a mom of a special needs boy? Before I became a woman who lost her reproductive organs and skyrocketed into menopause? The girl who would try anything once, the girl who didn't look for assurances in life but embraced challenges. That girl's motto was "Bring it, I'll be ready." I'm no longer that girl although I try to embrace and incorporate her spirit in simple ways. Life taught me some hard lessons and they changed who I was.
The woman I want to be she seems almost as unattainable as the girl I was who so easily retreated, disappeared. I want to be strong and capable and giving and selfless. I want to be more, so simple in a statement, More. I want to be more than I am now. More than a wife, mother, daughter, sister, those are all roles I play, central to who I am, absolutely, yet dependent on others, on relationship dynamics.I want to be a writer, an advocate, and a capable, confident woman again. My surgery, this change in my life, robbed me of confidence and I stand on shaky ground. I want to be a woman who rises above that.
But right now I'm coping, looking in a mirror trying to find the best reflection of myself. The reality is that I am just staring back at myself and I need to accept who I see, not look for better lighting, or a different angle. I am a woman in the midst of a change I did not want, did not expect but cannot alter. Many days I do my best to just manage all the roles in my life. I don't take time for me and I think it is part of why I don't recognize myself now. Also part of why I feel the need to scream my new motto. For me in some ways change came over night, the birth of a son with health issues, the almost instant onset of menopause after a surgery, instantaneous and shocking alterations in my life. But in other ways, change is gradual, almost sneaking up on you. I became busy with life, with fulfilling the responsibilities of my life, and now my life is full of pressure, expectation and busyness.
I am attempting to come out of the retreat mode I entered into months ago. It seems riddled with setbacks and traps of my own making. I no longer offer the challenge of "Bring it" to the universe. Right now more than anything I just want to be. Be what? Just let me be who I am and not who you need or want me to be. Be whatever I need to be and I can tell you it probably isn't strong or capable.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
