high dive

I havent blogged in a few days.  Well, Ok I have blogged several times but not posted.  In fact I have a few posts hiding out in my draft folder, hiding or hanging out, I am not really sure how to classify them actually.  They were written over the last few days at different ranges of emotion.  One written in anger, one written to justify; all written to make me feel better after receiving some criticism, insult, or slight.  I didnt think they would be beneficial or professional so I didnt end up posting them.  But I cant bring myself to delete them.  Am I keeping them in my arsenal for future defense?   Am I keeping them as a reminder to myself, as a silent victory of words and justification. 

Don't we all have those moments when someone says something to hurt us and we go over in our heads all the things we would like to say in return, in defense, in justification, or in anger?  I am noticing with myself that I am having a hard time getting back into the vulnerabilty of this blog.  I am safeguarding myself because others voices and opinions can be so loud, so LOUD! 

Ever get caught up in something someone else said or thought about you?  It is great if it is a positive compliment.  You can relish and enjoy it.  But when it is critical, detrimental, unexpected hurt, wow it stings!  And no matter what someone else's opinion is of you, you cannot get drawn in too much that you lose your own perspective.  I almost did.  I almost let others who had not walked out my life and my journey condemn and criticize me to the point that I questioned everything, even my mental health and my faith, my personal relationship with God, with my self, with my children. 
And so today I feel hesitant, unsteady,  like the first time I went off the high dive at the Sistersville Pool. Do I pick up again and share where I am at in the reality of my own life?  The days that are hard and challenging and even sad adjusting to this new chapter in my life; do I write about them?  Or do I keep them quiet and bottled up so others dont judge me or pity me or caterogize me?  Do I pretend to be who I am not so others are comfy?  Now I am all about comfy, I would live in tshrits and jeans if I could, but  not everything can be sacrificed for comfort.  I write and I share because it is truth.  My life right now is hard and challenging and peppered with sadness and disappointment.  My life isnt normal, one of my children is not typical,none are actually, they are all spectacular.  But in the sense of the word typical, like other babies, no that is not my little man.  And so I adjust, and I realize that others struggle with this adjustment time and have opinions about this adjustment.  While I appreciate concern I do not appreciate criticism.  I do not believe fully in "constructive criticism,"  I think perspective is vital.  Vital!  I also rebel against those who would wish to rescue or save me.  I do not need rescued.  I have a rescuer and he is Jesus.  I need no one else to come and save me, change me, make me feel better. 
Still struggling to go off that high dive.  I think when I was a child, I climbed those ladder steps several times before I was brave enough to jump.  I also remember I was not willing to jump unless the lifeguard and my father were standing ready to jump in and save me should something go wrong. 
I am not sure I have a point today.  I think I am just attempting to climb the ladder steps again.