Thursday, July 7, 2011

Surgery sucks

"Maybe there are just alien babies in my belly????" -a text I sent to my twin last week.
I'm guessing most everyone who reads that wont get my humor. The ultrasound tech looked at me with worried eyes when I said it to her. I'm assuming the surgeon isnt much into sci-fi because he didnt even crack a smile when I said it to him. Whatever, humor is how I deal with the messiness of life. And finding three abdominal masses on my catscan, a little messy if you ask me.

It seems my saga continues. I need abdominal surgery, once again. This is my third surgery in less than three years. The first,my c-section that gave me my beautiful miracle boy. The second, a hysterectomy, should have been enough, if you ask me. But, no one is asking me. I dont have all the answers, will only have all those after the surgery and biopsy. I'm not really sure how I feel about all of it. Well, ok, in true Christina fashion, let's be honest, I'm pretty pissed off about it. I'm sick of surgery and recovery. I'm sick of scars on my belly and internal scar tissue. I'm sick of being humbled and in need of help from others. If I could drive myself home from the hospital after surgery, I would. I have been in a place of need several times in the last three years and I am over it.

I would happily take some alien babies over a malignancy. Three in fact, since there are three masses. But we seem to be leaning more toward more c-section complications than malignancy and the surgeon pretty much ruled out aliens. C-section complications. Pretty frustrating. Was the loss of my womb and fertility not enough? I'm not making light of the chance of malignancies. I've just never imagined my body would struggle with so much after my c-section.

I am fully aware that the c-section saved my son's life and mine as well. It was a life-saving, necessary, emergent surgery. So, if you feel the need to tell me to look on the bright side, save your sunshine for another day. I can be fully aware and grateful of that aspect of the surgery and still have to walk out the rest of it. Ok, I am not walking it out, pretty much stomping my feet in a tantrum.

I just spent the last year regaining and redefining myself after a life-and-body altering hysterectomy. I was finally back on the normal side of Christina. (and yes, referring to myself by name is normal for me) I'm grouchy and disheartened and feeling the most stubborn I have felt in a long time. I've yielded much in the last several years. I've bent til I was broken. I'm definetly in need of peace before my surgery.

No alien babies. No babies,nope, not anymore. I said goodbye to my fertility last winter. Sigh, surgery sucks.