safe place to fall

A friend of mine told me to just relax and get through this week and so I am trying...It's hard, it is a struggle because I know my life is changing on Friday. My life is also about to be put on hold for a few weeks as well. I am not sure if I want to embrace change, avoid it, or fight it. I am attempting to not avoid it but I am not fully embracing the change that is imminent.

My surgery is Friday. It came together rather quickly. Yesterday I went to the hospital for pre-operative testing. I also sat my girls down and explained as well as I could what was about to happen. It was a hard day. My girls have surpised me, they are handling things much better than I expected. It helps that their aunt has planned a lovely, fun weekend for them so they should not be too distracted with worries over their momma.
Walking into the surgical unit yesterday did a number on me. I had to go in the bathroom to regain composure, I even had to call Mar because I couldn't calm down. I caught a glimpse of two doctors coming out of surgery and all these horrible memories flooded me and panic set in. I could not catch my breath. I calmed down enough for my testing, fun fun needles, and received my pre-op instructions and I was out of there. I decided to call my surgeon and he was able to further reassure me. Sometimes I think you just need to express your fears and concerns and have someone listen and respond honestly. No brush-offs or diminishing of feelings and fear, just the ability to be heard; it is amazing the feeling of comfort that can bring.

I was panicked about the actual surgery more than anything. I was concerned about all that could go wrong, the chaos that could happen, the indifference that I have experienced before, the painful recovery, the time of feeling desperately alone and afraid. Those concerns are now, if not fully relieved, at least mostly. I trust my doctor and I have expressed my need for kid glove treatment. I cannot cope with rushed and indifferent medical staff again.

Now I am not panicked about the surgery. Also, I am not overly fearful of the ramifications of a hysterectomy to someone of my age. I am aware of the risks but I am more hopeful that surgery will help than fearful the surgery will harm.

And so I am not sure why I am sitting here today struggling with the thought of change. For so long, the last two years, I have had to be strong, it was necessary for my family. I am feeling incredibly weak and anticpating the need to ask for help and rely on help and stay in a position of weakness and dependence. I am not embracing this change. It's against my nature to accept help, I dont even like for anyone to help me figure out a move on Spider Solitaire!

I am looking forward to my mom coming down. I have planned out the menu of my favorite foods for her to cook. There is nothing like my mom when I am sick. But I cant seem to get past that easy physcial need to giving in and giving over my other needs. The need for comfort, the need to be heard, the need to be taken care of, the need for the kid glove treatment. It's hard for me to relinquish those needs into someone else's hands. I have always been very good at taking care of myself. I like being capable and not needy. But now I wont have that luxury, at least for a few weeks. Someone else will be doing Caleb's therapy and carrying my baby boy. Someone else will be comforting and cuddling my sweet little girls.

I am sure all of it will be frustrating for me. I am not the best patient. I am not the best student. I spent today cleaning up my bedroom, finding movies and books to occupy my time while I recouperate, attempting to make my bed a safe place to rest, hoping I will have a safe place to fall.