no answers yet

We received no answers today and I am so mad about it.  Mad when really I should be relieved that there is no structural abnormality.  I want an easy answer and an easy fix.  Instead we got more blabber, my new word.  To me it means, more guesses, more blame it on preemie and walk it out in therapy kind of talk.  I am up to my ears in therapy and intentionality.  So I am discouraged and frustrated and rearranging my schedule to make room for more therapy sessions and homework.  I am relieved that it isnt structural,  I didnt want Caleb to require surgery or go on more medicines.  We just didnt learn anything today that we didnt already know.  Now we have the go ahead, the encouragement, the proof to increase his speech therapy sessions. 

I knew one test would not make Caleb magically be able to swallow food without vomitting or choking but I secretly wished upon a star for it, fingers crossed, on my knees praying and wishing.  Because every meal, every feeding is stressful, time consuming.  Who has time for family time dinner conversation when you are talking your toddler through his gagging and vomitting?  It has taken some of the joy out of gathering together as a family. 

I know I have been whiny and complaining so much on here lately.  I dislike that very much about my life right now.  I dont want to be the friend that everyone feels sorry for or tiptoes around.  I want to care about more than Caleb's health issues.  But the weight of them and the truth of them are pressing down on me right now.
 It is 8 days before Christmas, my annivesary is 3 days from now.  I do not know how to transition to jolly, happy mom or sexy, excited wife.  I have 3 holiday parties this weekend.  I need to shop and cook for each of them and I could care less.  I lack motivation because I am discouraged and angry and frustrated.  I wanted answers today.  I did not want to add more therapy to my schedule.  We have therapy in an hour already. 
Maybe I want God to feel sorry for me, to see me struggling and angry and grant my wish. 
What I really want is for Caleb to be able to eat normally.  I want the 'gather around the dinner table with laughter and fun' and not what we have now.  I feel as though I am a pretty calm, laid back, flexible kind of person.  I go with the flow, I change, I adjust.  I am not patient but I am flexible, moldable.  Do I really needed molded this much?  And wow, how shallow am I that I put all this on me as though it is only about me.  It isnt. 
We are blessed with a therapy team that encourages and listens and empathizes.  Caleb's therapists adore him and gush over him and he returns the favor.  But they also see me, understand how hard this is on our whole family.  They have been kind and considerate and affirming.  They always give exercises to get the girls involved in Caleb's care.  It makes the girls feel included, involved.  His therapists have invested in Caleb's progress and they never undervalue my role.  And so I hate that I am venting and feeling frustrated over more therapy.  For me it is more of a struggle in realizing how in depth is the influence of his prematurity.  We struggled with feeding issues over 15 months ago in the NICU and now, and still, strugging. 
Holiday cheer is hard for me to muster.  But I can offer gratitude for the gifts, even amidst struggle, that I have received.  I am so thankful that my son is home with us, I am so thankful for my beautiful daugthers.  I am more in love with my husband than ever before.  I have amazing friends and family.  I have a network of people who love and work with my son.  The holidays are not as easy and carefree for me this year but I do still celebrate Jesus.  I desperately want answers to many things concerning Caleb.  I also want rest, peace.