Dear Crave

Dear Crave,

Since I know you only skim my blog for glimpses of your name in print before you invest fully in reading the material, I thought I would specifically address you tonight.  And rightfully so because tonight my thougths are on you.  We will be celebrating our annivesary in the morning, can you believe that it has been twelve years since we said, "I do."  Sixteen years since our first date, even longer since I first started crushing on you. 
I know it has been a rough year for us, stressfull, tiresome, full of concerns for the kids and not enough time for each other.  Recently I realized that we have not been dreaming as much as we you used to do.  I remember all of our late night talks after curfew in my parents' living room.  Remember our in depth conversations on the phone and in the car during college?  We were so full of dreams, of expectations for our future.  A few weeks ago you mentioned that you wished we were the couple who just up and traveled like we used to.  It made me smile and think back on all of our road trips and  our nature trips.  We arent as portable or as free to travel now days, are we?  I know I have been worried over the future and so I have put a hold on dreaming, on expecting.  But I am so glad you are walking this out with me, that you are here by my side.  I love being the mother of your children.  I love co-parenting with you.  It is by far the biggest adventure we have been on. 
I have figured it out, math genius that I am, we have averaged a child every 3 years of our marriage.  Isnt that incredible?  I remember when we were dating and discussing having children.  You wondered if you would be a good father.  I knew you would be.  I valued your loyalty and your adventurous spirit.  I saw in you a man who would devote his life to his family and to fun.  I see you with the girls and Caleb and know I was right.  You are so giving and devoted to us and each of our kids has a sillyness factor that is all you. 

I remember when you were an engineering student struggling with professors and exams.  Working and going to school full time.  I did not realize I would personally learn so much about engineering through osmosis but I have over the years.  I remember traveling with you to decide which city in which to start your engineering career.  Those first years of marriage when it felt like you, me and your engineering friends all co-existed together.  I tried out so many recipes on you and your friends.  I do not say it often enough but I am proud of you, of your work ethic.  I know I tease you about engineering and coal and the endless conversations about permits and water resources but I see how hard you work for us.  I also find some of it interesting and fascinating.  I remember when we lived in Columbus how quickly I learned shortcuts, only because I was married to an engineer.  I still laugh about how I can point out what work projects you did in Columbus ten years ago.  My point is that I am so thankful to be involved in watching you evolve and grow as an engineer. 

I wish right now we could run away for a weekend or even longer.  I know it isnt feasible or practical but it does sound appealing.  Thank you so much for understanding where I am as a mother and not putting extra expectations on me.  I did not know when we married that life would be this rich, this full of beauty and joy.  I love that we still laugh with each other.  I love so much about you Crave.  I know I have devoted so much time and energy to the kids this year.  I know that my heart has been heavy and you have had to carry extra and you have done so without complaining or resenting.  I am so thankful for where we are as a couple right now.  It has been the hardest year, and a year spent mostly dealing with issues of our children.  But I also feel closer to you, more in love and in need of you than I ever have.  I am so thankful we are walking this out togther. I still have many dreams and hopes for us.  But I am thankful we are living out the biggest dream, to be one, to raise a family, to live life together.  The variables do not matter as much.  I remember traveling on those interview weekends with you so long ago.  We had such an anticipation for what life would bring us, where life would bring us, how we would get there.  I have lived enough life with you that I now know that none of it is as important as just being with you.  Anywhere. 

I would love another nature trip.  I have walked off a cliff, went underground, what else could we do?  I would love more late night conversations about faith, values,  dreams.  I would love more long drives with the radio off and you singing to me.  Do you remember the year without a radio?  Maybe we should take your car out for those, it is hard to feel romantic and carefree in minivan full of carseats and happy meal toys.  Do you know what I also love?  You coming home to me every evening.  I love that this is where we are now as a couple, we are a couple rasing our beautiful kids, walking out our faith, living out our biggest dream.  I love you.