Giant Mess, that is me

These are the things I am worrying about tonight:

1.  Caleb's dr. appt today
2.  My vulnerablitly and the balance between authentic and open vs.  private and safe
3.  What is wrong with my van and how much of  our Christmas budget is going to go into fixing it
4.  What wii games can I get Vanny for Christmas, I obsessed over this tonight instead of dealing with other issues.
5.  I need to prepare for teaching Sunday School, physically and spiritually
6.  Why have I been so impatient with CC lately?
7.  I need to get in the Christmas spirit and today sent me for a loop. 

On Thursday I talked about worry with some girlfriends and how God wants us to respond to our worry.  We had a beautiful scripture verse and wise instruction, obviously.  But it is not happening for me tonight. I am sucumbing to worry.  (oh big word but I may have mispelled it)

 It is midnight. I sent out an S.O.S. to a couple friends.  I am so thankful for friends, for those who are my safe place to be.  I am feeling very chafed tonight, very vulnerable, I could sigh a hundred times and still not express my melancholy and frustration tonight.

 And so I took my major concerns, filed them away, and decided to obsess about Wii games for my four year old.  And then got angry when my husband, her father, was not as obsessive.  He was able to kindly, gently give me some perspective on how I was avoiding real issues.  As long as the four year old has a stuffed panda under the tree, she will be happy.  My real issues, well I decided to list out the rest of worries in the hopes of facing them.  I think I a can face all but the first right now.  But that is why I have friends who listen and just affirm.  I am all over the place in this blog.  Obviously because it is midnight and I have been up since four.  And because I am a jumble of emotions and worry tonight.

 Isnt it funny, how I am at a very stressful and sad point, and can find reasons to discredit and put down myself (exhibit 4-7)  I shouldnt do that!

I need to just be the mom who is struggling to find time or joy in all the extras of this holiday season.  Even the tree seems daunting to me tomorrow. (7) 

And no girls I dont want to watch one of the 25 days of Christmas movies with you, I want to get on the computer and research genetics.  (6)

 I am teaching about the family tree of Jesus on Sunday and examing our own family trees with the kids.  And I just spent this afternoon looking at my family tree for medical defects. (5)
 Ha, ho ho ho, merry christmas. 

And yes I am feeling vulnerable about this blog for so many reasons tonight.  One because it is jumbled and rambled and everyone is going to think I am on crack.  Also because I am open and honest but also extremely sensitive and vulnerable.  Plus, in the back of my mind I know I mispell and misuse words on here but do not go back and change them very often.  Takes the fun out of my spontaneous writing.  Or I am just lazy? 

So why write this blog?  Because simply I write to process, I have since childhood.  Ok so write it but dont post it?  Thought about it but I made a promise to God and myself last year that I would walk this out loud for Him and for me.  I wouldnt pretend that things were fine when they werent.  I wouldnt act like I had it together when I dont.  I wouldnt deny what He has done for me.  And so here I am tonight a giant mess, but not smoking crack, I promise.  But a giant mess who is not ready to talk about the neuro appointment, so please dont ask.  A blog will be forthcoming at some point.  But you will just have to join me in my learning how to wait.  WAIT!!!   Tonight I am not a patient watier.
Geez Louise I am tired.  Let's also hope the tree we get tomorrow does not have a nest of praying mantis like our last "real" tree.  ha, HO HO HO.