stuck

feeling stuck today.  in my writing mostly.  i have this unexplainable need to write to sort out my feelings.  It's like writing becomes my new best friend.  Or the girlhood friend you call at the end of the school day, minutes after returning home, to discuss the events of the day.  I did that and remember my parents wondering what I could possibly have to say when I just saw my friend mintues ago.  I now watch my oldest daughter do this, reach for the phone mintues after walking in the door and giving me a hug and I get it.  The need to discuss, reevaluate, gain a different perspective or just relive the moments of the day.  I am simplifiying a little of course but my writing is like this.  A need to see things on paper, a need to sort through feelings and events.  A need for perspective, sometimes a need to record moments and feelings so as not to forget. 
Right now CC is reading a book, Chinese Cinderella, a book I of course read quickly before giving it to her.  I wanted to make sure the content was ok, wounldn't give her nightmares or teach her things she didnt need to know yet.  I also read it because I love books and I love sharing the experience with each of my girls.  So I have read it, I know the details of what happens and when.  CC is driving me mad with questions.  She wants to know before she reads, before she invests too much, how is it going to end?  Is it going to be too sad that it haunts me after, is it going to keep me up with worry or fear?  CC is like this with most books or movies she dives into.  Part of it is the organizer and preparer in her, she likes to be ready for any situation that comes along.  I think part of it is a need to know that the emotions wont be too much, too overwhelming.  And it is wanting to know into the future,  the what-ifs and if-nots.  How much do you invest in what you cannot see, cannot change or can you change it?  She is struggling with it in her reading, I am struggling with it in my life. 

And so I am stuck, not wanting to pick up the pen and write, well the keyboard, crappy as it is; not wanting to "call the girlfriend and chat," because at times it all seems a little much.  I miss the light, breezy kind of conversations.  All of my conversations or thoughts seem to be heavy right now.  Unknown fears or questions about Caleb, frustrations over past issues that affect the now, resentment because life isn't easy or what I expected or dreamed it to be.  So I am stuck.  not ready to put those thought  out there yet.  Wishing like CC that I could know before I invest if it is worth it, if it will matter as much later as it seems to now, wishing to know the future. 
And then of course there is the wandering, does this make sense to anyone else?  I know I am unusual, quirky, not everyone gets me.  Do people read this and wander what the heck is this chic talking about.  Do I think too much, shouldnt I just live and quit thinking, worrying, processing, picking things over?  Does anyone even read this? It wouldnt matter if they didnt.  I still love the process, the ability to express myself, share myself.  At least if it is on paper or screen, it isnt rolling around in my head anymore! 
Right now I am not ready to deal with the heavy thoughts or fears so I will try the record-keeping aspect of my writing.  The "let me relive part" of girfriend sharing, it is fun, important, lasting.  Maybe later I will be unstuck in the other areas or it will be easier to face them.