comparison

Little man has a home visit here in a little bit, I should probably be waking him.  I decided to let him sleep as long as possible because he is always so very tired after and cranky.  I can't deal with cranky today, I have too much to do!  I am realizing I havent made any progress updates lately, nor have I shared his test results.  I will today.

He is so my delight and and that makes the busyness of life with him easier.  I have been overwhelmed with his therapies and appointments and managing all of that while trying to also keep up with the girls and Jason and finding time for myself.  Christmas break was a wonderful resting time as far as all of our running.  The snow added an extra week of rest.  But we are back into a routine of therapies and appts. and nurse consults and I am accepting that this is my normal.  I am attempting to move out of survival mode with my mothering.  For the last two years Caleb's medical issues have dominated our family life.  I have had to make hard choices about whose needs are more pressing.  I feel hopeful and confident that we can move out of this thought process, this adrenaline type of parenting.  I have been to the ER five times this winter with two of my children.  Five freaking times and I hate hospitals!  I have been resentful and over it, over the hard times, the stressful times.  The chip on my shoulder has been growing and so I am attempting to deal with it. 
I was at the pediatrician the other day with my oldest and youngest for well child check-ups.  We sat in the waiting room with more than a few babies and toddlers, some older, some a little younger than Caleb.  All were doing much more than Caleb, walking, playing, speaking, babbling.  Caleb sat on his sister's lap and just stared at her.  I was actually feeling spiteful and competitve, which is not me as a mother!  I remember thinking "well your kid may be younger and walking and babbling, but my little boy is way cuter and much more easygoing.  Way cuter."  and then I cringed and said wow Chris, you need some freaking sleep and an attitude adjustment.  Stop whining about what you don't have, stop looking at others' situations and deal with your own. 

 I know to some degree most mothers compare their children to other children,whether it be other children the same age as their child, or to a sibling.  I think we compare when we are looking for accolades or praise; my child is smarter, more athletic, kinder, more beautiful, more unique.  We compare to fill our pride, feed our ego.  Or we compare when we are looking for advice or instruction. I am hoping to move past the comparison of situations and children because it is not helping me.  It is only making me feel less normal, less peaceful, more envious and not centered.  I have been wondering and asking what I could still have to learn.  As if all of this is just some big life lesson or test of faith.  It isnt, it is just life.  Realizing that now or at least feeling that in this moment.  
I was driving in the parking lot of the hospital the other day after check-ups and I wondered if parking lots will always give me anxiety?  Are they forever linked to memories of crisis with Caleb?   Is this my new normal and how do I embrace it?  Do I need to embrace it or just get through it?  I want to know how long, how much.  How long will this running to and from doctor and therapy appointments last?   How much more to worry about and walk through?  Is it ok that I am fed up, frustrated, envious?  Is it ok that my faith is being put aside, not thrown away, but casually set on a shelf.  If I am honest with myself that is true even though I know it isnt right.  There are days when my situation is more real than my faith, or my trust.  Not every day but days on end when I wander where He is and why is He allowing more than I can handle.  And No, I do not belive God doesnt ever give us more than we can handle.  That isnt true.  He doenst ever give us more than we can handle with and through him but we arent supposed to walk anything out alone.  But that is how I have felt, alone, misunderstood, forgotten or overlooked.  

I know I havent shared with everyone everything, there is a good reason.  I was protecting myself and my family.  We have been waiting since Dec. 4th for results of tests on Caleb.  The results have slowly trickled in over the last month and a half.  I was on edge, in fear, sick of waiting and wandering, feeling guilty and traitorish for every comparsion or admission of Caleb's development that I made.  Knowing something is wrong but not what or why, it is hard.  We have received all of these test results and they came back fine.  I was so happy and relieved.  And then the neuro called and once again we wait.  Another test scheduled, more medical decisions to make.  And news to share with people who arent always who I would want them to be for me.  The doctor believes Caleb has some life long mental and developmental disabilities.  The test will show more clearly the extent and the course of treatment.   And so that hangs in the air.  But I look at my little boy and I see the progress and the growth he has made.  I can say he isnt like other babies his age or even months younger.  He doesnt play or communicate like they do.  He is doing so much more this month than two months ago though.  He isnt like other babies, even my girls as babies.  But I can say, this little boy fills my world with delight and joy like no one else on earth.  He continues to amaze me with his tenacity and with his peace.  He works harder than any other baby I know and he doesnt back down.  So I wait and I try very hard to just be his mom and the girls mom and let the rest happen.