thoughts from a dream

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant with a baby girl, I was due any day.  In fact in the dream I was arriving at a friend's house for a gathering and feeling panicky about going into labor.  In the dream I also found two of my sister's lost/stolen cell phones and was overjoyed because it meant I could contact her to come when I had the baby.  I awoke this morning feeling so melancholy, the pregnant expectation and anticipation of the dream was no longer with me.  I felt a little of a letdown, a sadness I have a hard time describing. 
I am not one to remember most dreams nor am I one to spend too much time interepting them.  I love symbolism, one of my favorite aspects of literature classes as a high school and college student.  But I dont have the self-analyzation tendency when it comes to my dreams.  Mostly because when I awake I am usually running late and need to jump right out of bed. 
I am not planning on spending  too much time on this dream because I took pain meds last night.  I also spoke with a friend about my upcoming surgery and about menopause yesterday.  On Saturday I talked with a few friends about how I struggle internally when I see hugely pregnant women.  Noticing them is a reminder of how I never experienced hugely pregnant with Caleb.  My body didnt make it there.  There is a sense of letting go of all the excitement and anticipation of his birth.  I let that go at 28 weeks when they said he must come now.  I quit dreaming of who he would look like and what it would be like to hold him and greet him.  I began worrying if it he would live, would I live, how much of the doctor statistics would fit his life?  Seeing the hugely adorably pregnant lady is also a reminder of how quickly my baby dreams were changed, shattered almost.  I didn't count his fingers and toes, I watched his tiny chest breathe in and out with machines.  I didnt spend the first few months watching him grow big and chubby; I spent it watching him move from one health crisis to another.  I didnt spend the first year of his life in awe of his baby moments, I spent it worrying about what now and what next?  But I digress a little, you have all heard this before;  my  feelings of disappointment and injustice for all Caleb and I have struggled through have been discussed and shared many times.  I share because I think it was part of why I had the dream last night.  These feelings were all on my mind. 
Crave and I only wanted four children.  Yes, we wanted four children!  We were prepared to stop at four, even before I had any complications.  After having Caleb I realized it would not be safe or fair for me to have another baby even if I wanted to in a few years.  I personally love being a mother.  I love the chaos of a few children.  I could "handle" more children with delight.  I do not like the mess or the money of a large household but I love the rest of it.  I struggle with finding time and the proper emotion for each child right now but I believe it will ease as Caleb grows.  Caleb's therapies and dr. appts keep me busy and often his needs occupy my time.  I struggle to not be too tired or stressed to meet the needs of the girls, who can be demanding, they are redhead girls a lot like their mother.    What I am alluding to is that I am completely at peace with having a family of six.  I do not desire to have more children. 
But the prospect of surgically removing that possiblity from my body creates all sorts of pain in my heart.  Of course I worry about the medical aspect of the surgery and all that entails.  I worry about healing and how I will care for my kids.  How will they react when Mommy isn't able to meet there needs and once again Grandma has to step in?  Not that Grandma isnt wonderful because she is but it is the feeling of uncertainty that upsets my girls.  I worry about more scarring and I worry about setbacks for Caleb if we have to take time off from his therapies.  But I despair about the removal of my womb.  I am saddened that part of my life is coming to an end not naturally but with a scalpel, with cutting.  Being a mother is a huge part of my identity, a part I treasure and wear with honor.  What will it be like to cut out one part of me linked to that? 
I worry about early menopause and the need for hormones or natural supplements.  Am I really going to have to concern myself with these things in my mid-thirties?  That feeling of anticipation and excitment I felt in the dream, I want that back.  I feel like I have not experienced it in so long, that maybe I never will again.  I have felt anticpation over things like Christmas morning or trips to see friends.  But the longing and the expecting for things that will change your life positively, where is that, will I feel it again.  Did it begin, this feeling of loss, the first time my womb was cut?  Will this final cut change things? 
All this from a dream, from a feeling upon waking up from a dream.  Should I blame the pain meds or maybe just the fact that it is Monday morning and those are always rough?  Maybe my sister should quit losing her cell phone so I can talk to her about all this!