Uniqely me, thoughts from a twin

A quiet mid-morning here and I have enjoyed it so much.  Little Man napping and my Panda curled up beside me watching a movie.  The early morning was rushed and did I say early?.  Crave up with the baby so I could curl up under the covers a little longer.  I enjoy his effort in the early, before sunrise attempts at conversation with me, after many years of living together he should know better.  I am not pleasant in the morning, I am grouchy and annoyed.  Yet each day he continues to include me in his early morning rising ritual.  It usually goes like this, "Do you know where _____ is?"  Or  "Can you do this for me today?"  I often mumble a response, roll over and pretend he has already left the house.  One early interruption per day is my concession.  I wonder if he knows that after he leaves, I always offer up a prayer of thanksgiving for him and a prayer for his safety and work day?  See, I am not all grouch in the morning.  I wish I could muster up the devotion at 5am but  my whole body and my mind protest.  I am examining that protest today.  I think partly because my memory has been triggered by other events on this rushed early morning.  Stick with me while I try to piece it together.


I am an identical twin who spent most of her life trying to be noticed for just me and not part of a package deal.  Recently I have been examing how much of my personality is really truely me and how much is just a protest and an intent to be different than my twin.  Events this morning transpired that brought a smile to my heart and also an introspection to my day.  It's picture day for Senny Sunshine and CC.  CC awoke and did her usual morning ritual, everything quick and rushed because she just wanted to sleep as much as possible.  Senny awoke early, and pleaded with me to curl her hair.  I put her hair in hot rollers and watched as CC kept the covers over her head as long as she could before hurriedly getting dressed.  Now my girls are not identical twins but they sure played the roles of Chritina and Marlena (circa 1990's) quiet well.  I was just like CC, sleep til the last minute and then a ponytail and off to school.  Senny just liked Mar, even 'the birds are singing early morning chatter' so distinctly Mar.  It made me miss my twin and are living together so much. It also made me think about our personalities and how different we both can be.  How much of that is realistic and how much was me saying, " I want to be an individual so if she zigs i will zag? " 


It's an interesting question, one I have been delving into at different times in my life.  We no longer live together, Mar and I, we don't even live in the same city, like college and our early twenties.  I miss her terribly but I do feel I am more of my authentic self nowdays.  It is like I can shed my feelings of not measuring up to comparisons because for the most part I am not being compared on a continual basis.  Now I know there were things I excelled at and things Mar excelled at and sometimes they were the same things.  I also know that I do have characteristics that are uniquely me.  Those characteristics were not always celebrated but often compared or critiqued.  I can honestly say at times I chose to do the exact opposite of Mar just to avoid comparison.  Mar an overacheiver, well then I am a going to be a slacker.  Mar - glass overflowing with optimism, well then my glass is half-full, dirty and the handle is missing!  See what I am saying, I took it to the extreme, ask my poor mother about my high school attitude.  Mar was compliant, well then I will miss curfew and be proud of  it.  Sorry mom. 
But here I am, married, mother, mid 30's, finally feeling at peace with who I am, not trying to prove anything or challenge anyone's conceptions of me.  I am realizing more and more that I am uniqely me even though I share the same DNA as my beautiful twin.  I am ok being compared and contrasted to her nowdays becauseI feel I can stand on my own.  I am not sure where or when the self-assurance or confidence finally appeared.  Perhaps it does come from being married, motherly, and mid 30's? 


I am still examing this I hate mornings personality quirk and my twinness.  Nowdays, I embrace my relationship with my sister more than ever.  There is something powerful and comforting in having a sister, even more so I think in having a twin sister.  I think also nowdays I get to be the star of my own life, I don't have to share the stage and that allows me to relax a little about who I am.  I am guessing that I will never arise singing with the birds, yes Mar did do that!  I will never be a morning person, mid morning is even a stretch for me somedays.  However, I can say that now I am more authentically optimistic and authentically grouchy.  If I am grouchy, it isnt just becasue Mar is happy and so I need to be the opposite.  No, nowdays I am grouchy for legitimate reasons. 
On a side note, I know both my Senny Sunshine and my CC will have beautiful school picutes today.  They are both so adorable and they have been warned to smile like they mean it and no cheesy smiles!  I am so thankful my girls have sisters and I try to teach them to treasure and guard those relationships.  I also try harder than most to see each of them as individuals. Although I just spent this post comparing them to Mar and I.  OOPS!