Thoughst from an Oscar the Grouch

I am so not patient.  You would think after four children, two pets, and a husband I would have gobs of patience to put into practice.  Nope, I have gobs of laundry, dishes, good intentions and half-finished projects but not patience.  My blog is even named Hold On, and tonight that makes me laugh, makes me grimace, makes me feel quite like Oscar the Grouch. 
My patience is wearing thin for peace in my home,seriously when does the arguing and bickering between siblings stop?  Tonight I think I used scripture threateningly to discipline my girls. "Stop fighting, the bible says to outdo one another in love and if you dont start doing that I am going to take away the comptuter, movies, telephone.  None of you will have any fun so start showing love or the fun is gone!"  Yep, that was me and as I was saying it I was having flashbacks of my fights with my siblings and wandering was my mom this aggravated, how did she respond?  Now my siblings and I are all pretty close and I am so ready to bypass all that sibling rivalry and lesson-learning with my own kids for my own peace. 

If I am honest my lack of patience is more than just a desire for peace in the home.  It's a desire for peace in my heart.  My heart has been torn in two in the last year and I am ready for it to be mended completely.  I still feel as though I havent made a complete recovery from the trauma, disappointment, sadness, and stress of the last year.  I am ready to bypass all the steps I need to completely heal, the reflection, the growth that comes from walking it out, if someone would just give me some peace or a glimpse of when it will get better, easier.  I desire mostly to know of the future, of the peace that could come in knowing that Caleb and the girls will be alright.  Caleb won't have suffered brain damage from his brain bleed, Caleb wont have developmental and learning delays.  Caleb will walk unassisted.  Caleb will not get the swine flu, or RSV or even the regular flu and become seriously sick or be near death again.  Caleb will learn to eat without panicking, without gagging and choking.  Caleb will say momma and daddy and wave bye bye and clap.  The girls will feel secure in our prescense and not fearful that every seperation is scary and long.  The girls wont have to feel like their needs arent as important.  That is the peace I want, the assurance that all these questions and fears will not come to pass.  That my sweet baby boy will not be defined by his premature birth.  I want to move out of survival mode!!!

My patience was tested this week once again and I feel like I have hit a wall.  Several of Caleb's doctor appointments were rescheduled.  We got a letter in the mail informing us of this.  It felt so informal and cold.  Didnt they know I have been waiting for this appointment since May, and really since his first few days of life when they said he had a brain bleed, but we would just have to wait and see.  And so I have sat here all week letting God know that I am not patient, that I am done waiting.  This is my wall and I dont want to scale it, rock climbing was more Ja's thing than mine.  So no thanks, just move the wall, make the wall disappear, anything as long as I dont have to do it.   The silly and honest thing is that I know peace isnt on the other side of the wall, even if I could know the future, know all the outcomes for all of my kids, peace isnt in that.  Peace for me comes in knowing that I havent walked any of this alone, and I wont have to now. 
As a mother I want the best for each of my children.    It is hard to have so many concerns and fears about my children.  I want to know that Caleb will walk  and play and eat and talk.  If I am not careful those thoughts can overtake my day.  I did not realize that a year after his birth we would see so many specialist and doctors.  Making time for his therapies and appts, working on them at home can be so draining and frustrating. 
 Lately, Caleb has been doing this amazing thing, when he is on the floor he will make a bee line straight for me and manuever himself in my lap.  As if he would rather be held by me than play with any of his fun toys.  He wont let me hold his hands or help him do anything, but he will find his way to my lap.  It's a reminder to me that I dont have to be patient, I just have to be present. 

My mom says she prayed for patience and God gave her twins, so I dont ever pray for patience.  I am asking Him to allow me to be more present with each of my kids, with Him, with Jason, and with myself.  I dont have to climb the wall, I just have to admit I am standing next to a wall feeling overwhelmed and tired and trust that He will see us through.