Blue sky, cloudy heart

It's chilly outside but looking out my window I see a beautiful blue fall sky.  It's  been a rather long weekend with a sick Senny Sunshine.  She and I spent much time in the ER this weekend, now we are home.  She is still recovering and the rest of the family is at church this morning.  I am sitting, staring out the window, longing to be out there, even in the cold.  The fall colors are beautiful, I missed fall last year. I spent it in a hospital room coooped up and in a mental fog of worry, sadness and depression. 

I spent this weekend watching her struggle to breathe as tears silently streamed down her face from the pain of her sore throat and I could do nothing.  Oh how it hurt, it sucked to be helpless and fearful;  this is not who I am as a mother in most moments. We scrambled to find childcare.  CC fretted but adjusted., my oldest child, the one who has to be capable and help out.  Vanny full of questions and a stubborness I could not deal with this weekend.  She loves her grandparents but she did not want to go.  She knows this process of hospitilizations and seperation.  I called Ja about four times through the night from the hospital.  I didn't need to really, she wasnt that critical, if she was still breathing on her own.  So yeah how did that become my new indicator for worry, if a child isnt on a ventilator no need to freak out.  Because I did freak out some.  I was crawling out of my skin in that little cubicle, watching her O2 drop and buttons beeping and thought this is just too familiar and I need out of here.  Eventually the steroids kicked in, her asthma incidents subsided and we were able to go home.  Thankfully!   The rest of the brood home late last night, a quick kiss, pleas for snuggling from each of them, pleas I left unasnswered, unmet.  I was fearful that I was to germfully contaminated to hold them.  We cannot pass this virus around, Caleb is too fragile for that.  Unmet needs = Mommy guilt.  Even today the needs remain somewhat unmet.  I know each of them needs time to process and speak out loud the fear they had, the frustration of being shuffled and passed around.  The desire for reassurance and order is strong in my children after a year of unknown and disorginization.  I am the mother, I am supposed to provide that order and that reassurance. 

 I awoke in a bad mood,  overtired emotionally and physically.  Disjointed and furstrated because my own needs for reassurance and order are not being met.  It is only the begininng of flu season, what everyone is saying is going to be a deadly or more serious flu season.  I have tried hard to not fall into the hype or the fear but I must say this weekend it overwhelmed me.  I sat last night holding my sweet little eight year old during her breathing treatments with tears in her eyes as she shared her fear of dying.  Somewhere she has heard that the flu this year is deadly and she internalized it and was so afraid.  I know the not being able to catch your breath or take a deep breath is scary in itself.  I know also she spent last winter wandering if her brother would die.  And so I held her and with tears streaming down my face also began to pray for peace and to thank the Prince of Peace. 

I do need order, I do need reassurance and I do need a break from just living in survival mode.  . I know I need to take the time to process.  More than anytthing I know I need to take some time confronting my fears and frustrations and allowing peace to come in my heart.  It's been a long weekend, it's been a long year.  I feel as though I cant take much more but I know it's only the beginning of flu season, my children are still quite young.  I cant seek order and assurance in the things of this world because they are hollow and uncertain.  I am thankful for my faith and for my own relationship with God.  I am thankful he allows me to waiver and question and vent.  I woke up in a bad mood and I cant say I am out of it yet.  I have at least recognized it for what it is:  A mood brought on not just by lack of sleep and a messy house and children who are acting out, but a mood brought on by the by the battle between the desire to have my own needs met before I have to meet someone else's needs. 

I  have been in survival mode, with moments of great mommyness inserted, but mostly SURVIVAL.  Perhaps self awareness is the first step in moving out of survival mode?  Kind of like when you are lost in the woods, you should not move forward until you get your bearings.    And so I am aware of my self, aware that I need order but I cannot create that order.  I need assurance but can only find that assurance in my relationship with Christ, nothing else in my life is certain.  I need a place to be and a place to vent, yeah blog.  I need to move forward but not until I have let go of this fear and this "why me", or "enough" attitude.  I would like a supermommy moment today but I am willing to concede that I am tired and frustrated and sad and so we will only get a real mommy moment. I think really that is probably better, my kids cant move forward from this crazy year if they cannot admit where they are and who they are now. 
The sky is so beautiful and blue and days like this make me feel hopeful, when the weather, ok scenery, is beautiful and it feels like anything is possible.  Here is to hoping it is.