I am changing things up this Thanksgiving

It's almost Thanksgiving which has always been my favorite holiday.  I love all the food, family being together, and football on the tv.  When I was a child, we always went to my grandparents for dinner.  Their small house was crowded with family, cousins, aunts and uncles, siblings, and hunters.  My cousins and uncles and their friends would hunt on my grandparents property.  Inevivatbly, a deer was hanging from a tree every time we drove up the driveway.  I hated that part but Marlena and I always enjoyed some of my cousins' and uncles' friends.  They were loud, fun and often cute.  Too funny that I remember that now. 
I remember mostly my grandma bustling around her kitchen, making so many things and serving everyone else.  I miss her so much.  I remember my grandpa watching the parade, calling grandma in to to look at something, as if she wasnt busy at all.  I remember sharing the chocolate pie with him, fighting over who received the bigger piece.  My dad was always off for Thanksgiving, the post office was closed.  It was a day we knew we would get to spend with him.  My brothers were always glued to the tv, watching football, some things never change.  The house would get so crowded and hot, we would go out and sit on the porch swings and talk, sometimes even when it was snowing. 
By high school, Crave was even attending our Thanksgiving.  Once as a hunting guest of my cousin, and then later years as my guest.  My grandma welcomed him right in, just like she did everyone.  In college, Jason even brought a friend of his home to hunt and spend the holiday with us.  That was there year I may have deceived him into thinking I was a better cook than I truly am.  I remember my grandma fussing over the men and insisting my sister and I do it as well.  She and mom would encourage me to make Crave a plate, get him dessert, bring him coffee.  I would always chafe and inform them Ja was capable of taking care of himself.  My mom still fusses over Crave, and the feminist and realist in me still chafes.  Because really Crave lived on his own before me, he is capable of making his own dinner and washing his own dish.  My grandmother and my mother possess a giving and humble spirit.  My mom and grandma knew how to serve with love, to demonstrate love in practical and tangible ways.  I struggle, I have a hard time putting others needs above my own needs or pride, especially a man's needs!  I encourage my girls to think for themselves, be themselves, learn how to do things for themselves.  There is value in self-sufficiency and respect for oneself.  I guess this Thanksgiving I am reflective of the lessons I learned from my grandmother and my own mother, lessons I tend to fail at putting into practice. 
This year I am responsible for making the chocolate pie and sadly there is no one to share it with.  My grandfather died when Seneca was a baby, my little brother isnt coming home for Thanksgiving.  I will have a whole pie to myself and I do feel sadness over that.  I am making the mashed potatoes, which I know how to make and make often for my own family.  But all of my Thanksgiving memories involve images of my grandma making potatoes.  I could never measure up to who she was a cook or as a woman. 

I hope as Mar and I are shuffling and rushing around the kitchen making preparations we get the chance to remember the dinners of the past.  There are days when my heart cannot believe my grandma is no longer with us.   I miss her so much, my girls miss her so much.  Crave misses her so much.  She so lovingly cared for each of us and made each of us feel valued and special to her.  She did that by serving us and caring for us.  To me this year, this holiday that principle is more important than any feministic or self-serving principle I have.  I say that knowing full well my brothers and my husband and brother-in-law would knowningly and willingly take advantage of my change of heart.  I can see them all day requesting more tea, another plate, more dessert and chiding me if I rebel and grouch.  Luckily, none of them read my blog and so they wont know about my change of my heart, my new charge for this week: to show my girls and myself that our actions and attitudes make such a difference to others ability to feel loved and valued.  I am very good at using words to affirm.  I am warm and affectionate.  I struggle with humbling myself and putting others needs above my own.  So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for Thanksgivings of the past, of family gatherings and wonderful food and of lessons learned that are lifelong.  I will make yummy, smooth mashed potatoes and I will work to show others I love their value to me in practial and tangible ways.  I will say, "Yes, Crave, I would love to get you a slice of pie," and mean it.  I will not say, "You have legs, get it yourself," to anyone this year. 
Happy Thanksgiving!!