Feeling overwhelmed and pressured today. The internet is a wonderful tool, and I admit, I am somewhat addicted to it. Email, facebook, blogging, netflix, google: all part of my day now. I love how I can communicate with my brothers who do not live close, my sister and I can email back and forth throughout the day. I can find old friends and stay in contact with long ago friends and new friends. I blog my thoughts and can share so much more effectively where I am at emotionally and spiritually. I love the perspective I get when I can type out my feelings and organize them. I love how I can watch foreign movies and brittish miniseries on Netflix on the nights I can't sleep. I can print off coloring pages for the girls and help them learn facts about the things that interest them. I love the internet!
The last few days I have used the internet to research and examine a diagnosis and treatment plan for Caleb. I am finding it overwhelming, so much information, so many different opionions. Will we choose the right course of action, and in the right time frame? I want the best for my kids and I want to do all that I can to help. But I am feeling the need to evaluate and set boundaries, almost like setting the search parameters on a google search. I have too much input right now, too much information, too much expectation and anticipation of a decision. And so I have decided to just rest today. Not rest physically because my house is a mess! But rest in my research, rest in my conversations about it.
I am not being like an ostrich and burrying my head in the sand. I am choosing to sit still and trust in the promise of God. Some days I just desire to be still and know.
We are to come next Monday with our list of questions and concerns to discuss with our therapy team. Also coming with our evaluation of our family life and schedule. Today I feel as though I cannot fit one more thing in my life but I know my schedule and my priorites can be rearranged and shuffled.
I have always been one to say, "Trust the process. There is growth and a wealth of insight and meaning in the process." By process, I think I have always meant the treatment plan we are on, the step A to step B and C schedule of medical interventions we have been on. My advice to new NICU moms is that, Trust in the Process. Allow them to work out the breathing and heart issues before moving on to feeding and growth, etc. And we have done that, now we are on to the part of the process we were only forewarned about in the NICU. It seemed so far in the future and not at all plausible when we were in the NICU, and so my mind did not dwell on the future, expected and predicted issues. In truth, much information was not alloted by the doctors just an allusion to future issues: learning delays, motor delays, nervous system comprimise, feeding issues. They seemed so much smaller than the major health issues. Well now we are in those expected issues and I can say they no longer seem smaller or less intense!
For now I am taking time off of the trust the process sentiment. Not that I do not trust, I am just chosing to rest, to be quiet and still. I know there is help out there for us. I know his therapies are working. I am not sure what our next step is. I have decided the only voice I want to hear from right now is God's spirit. I value and trust the other voices in my life, family, medical professionals, experienced parents, but for now I am overwhelmed and need God's direction and his peace.
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love." (Zephenia 3:17)
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