bodies on the mend, hearts not so much

Bodies on the mend, hearts not so much.  We spent the weekend in the hospital with a sick little baby boy.  He was in isolation so his sisters had not seen or held him from Thursday evening until Sunday afternoon.  Crave and I switched off on childcare but neither of us got much sleep.  Little Man sick in the hospital, Panda with a bad cough at home.  Crave spent one night in the hospital with Little Man so I could go home to sleep.  I did not sleep, I awoke about five times, sleepily stumbling into his room to realize he wasnt there, he was at the hospital.  I finally curled up in the rocker in his room and slept fiftully for a few hours. 

 He is home now, recovering, still tired and weak but well enough to be home.  He had the sweetest smile when he saw his sisters' anxious faces.  He reached out for them and his eyes just sparkled.  Love and adoration, belonging, such sweet emotions. 
This morning his older 2 sisters begged to stay home and be with him.  They made promises to change his diapers and help me catch up on laundry and dishes.  They didnt want to be seperated from him and they didnt want him to feel alone.  It was so incredibly sweet but I sent them to school anyway.  Panda woke late and went straight to his crib to wake him with an insistince that he was needing her in his sleep and she wanted to be there when he opened his eyes.  He took a bath with her and her Barbies and he was all smiles.  Panda spent the morning continually asking me to hold her and hug her.  "Squeeze me tight Mommy, I missed you so much when you were in the hospital." 

This weekend was rough with our kids in two different places, having physical and emotional needs that required tending.  We had quite a few meltdown moments but I am thankful that my girls know they can say anything, express any fear or emotion and still be loved and affirmed.  Jealousy, resentment, fear, blame, anger, loss; these emotions all abounded this weekend.  Some were spoken and some were acted out.  My energy was depleted and my reserve was on low but through God's grace we managed to make it through the weekend and this morning with a semblance of peace in the midst of struggle.  I want my kids to know that no matter what life throws them, they have a place to fall, a place to be.  Growth doesn't come from denying who you are or what you are feeling.  It's hard to see your kids struggle or cry or fight with each other.  I want everything to be easy and beautiful for them but it doesnt always work that way and it probably should not.  This weekend we had a minor setback, a flashback of instability and worry from last fall.  Senny Sunshine kept talking of seperation and disruption, funny words for an 8 year old to focus on!  The girls have learned Little Man's health and immunity are more vulnerable to sickness.  They learned we can try and be preventative but in the end we just have to be willing to trust that God is more in control than us.  I hope we all recover quickly, physically and emotionally.  I do not want the girls to live in fear for their brother's health.  I also do not want them to feel insecure or have seperation anxiety.  But I cannot control how they feel all I can do is respond with love and affirmation.  And try to keep my heart and my energy reserve focused and balanced.  I have learned so much in the last year about myself, others and life.  I can say I am sick of learning lessons but they have all been so valuable, how can I not embrace them?