my public service announcement about twins

What do u struggle with most? Someone asked me this question and the answer for me is immediately forthcoming. I struggle with being a twin. A surprising statement to actually voice, shocking almost when you consider my relationship with my identical twin sister. We often joke that we are each other's soul mate, we talk of completion and total understanding, of being joined in such a close inexplicable bond. So struggle seems an odd sentiment, it doesn't correlate, how can such a bond be categorized in any way as strife?
I do know that part of the strife does come from the closeness of our bond, our dependency on each other. When you feel such a connection with one person it can be very easy and even unintentional to shut others out. Why take the time and effort to explain yourself to others when someone else understands you with an ease and such grace? Quickly other relationships can feel dimmed under the spotlight of such dependency and attachment. Boundaries are necessary but are not always easy to set. This dependency is a new part of the struggle. For a very long time I was content in this reliance, this beautiful if unbalanced friendship and bond. Only in the last few years, when my life has been on such a shaky foundation, have I realized the drawbacks and the effect of our closeness on others. I haven't fully invested in other relationships or in attempting to foster closeness with others I love. The realization of how my twin relationship affects my other relationships has created a need for balance, thus creating struggle.

My struggle of being a twin cannot solely be attributed to dependency. My struggle has always been in finding myself, defining myself, setting myself apart from someone who looks almost identical to me and acts very similar in many ways. The balance in embracing our similarities while drawing out our differences has been hard for me. Often I have went to one extreme while others chose the other extreme. We are categorized as "the twins." When together the focus is most definitely on our likeness to each other. Often people assume we like the same things, feel the same things, want the same things. I can't tell you how many times we have received the same gift or compliment. Often as children we were dressed alike, our identicalness was celebrated and fostered. And while this happens, I find myself going to the other extreme, screaming out for my own identity, place. I've talked about it before, her zig became my zag. You want long hair, well then mine will be short. You want girly-girl appearance and make-up and dresses, well then I'll do natural ponytail and jeans. These are simple things but often I went to extremes. Overachiever/slacker. Compliant/Rebellious.

For years I felt I lived in her shadow or in the shadow of our twinness. I would guess in ways she has felt the same. Even today at times I feel it. I wonder when I feel it now if it is just remnants of past thoughts and emotions. Yesterday someone remarked that they didn't know she was a twin. I thought how odd, we are truly living separate lives now, in different cities. How odd that something so key to my identity is not known or visible by everyone. Someone else remarked how much my oldest daughter looked like her. I thought "Hey wait a second, she's my daughter." Logical? No, I know when we both look so similar but it did rub me a little wrong. My pride, my joy, my sweet daughter;link her to me. Illogical, the thoughts of a twin sometime.
The struggle to be noticed and not just noticed but celebrated for who you are while not being compared or measured to someone else has always been my fight. I shared a room, a closet, a life and everything it entails with someone who became my own personal measure of self-esteem, beauty, acceptance. We shared friends, experiences, secrets, clothes, a bathroom. We still share all of those but a bathroom. We still spend hours talking, still sometimes late in the night. She is always one of my markers for joy, the one I laugh with over silly things, the one I cry to and confess to. I'm truly blessed to be able to call my sister my closest friend. I'm thankful that the competitive atmosphere of our friendship is rarely present now. My choices now are my own, not brought about my knee jerk reactions to distinguish myself as separate. I still cringe when I hear someone call us the twins though, even when they say 'the gorgeous redhead twins.' (I may have added the gorgeous part but I love descriptive words, the more the merrier!) I want to say we are so much more than what you see as us together. We are individual and deserve to be recognized for that.
So in reading this I am offering you a public service announcement. When you see twins, do not, I repeat, do not call them twins. Take the time to learn their individual names. :)