Siblings

I took all four of the kids to the zoo yesterday, by myself. It was a beautiful spring day full of sunshine and laughter and only a little bit of whine and bickering. It was Caleb's first trip to the zoo, a place I have always loved to go, and he loved it as well. He is such an interactive, engaging social boy, he ate up the crowd, the activity, the interaction. The girls were sweet and helpful and excited to see their own favorite animals and ride the carousel. I thought I might become overwhelmed with keeping track of all of them, handling their needs without becoming grouchy myself but really it was lovely.

The only hard part came when others would remark on Caleb's cuteness, ask the expected question you ask with a baby, "How old?" When I would answer with 19 months, they would look startled or surprised and even a few wanted to know why he wasn't walking or talking yet. One lady in line behind us at the carousel, even suggested if I just put him down and didn't cater to him, he would walk. Some people, right? Oh I see the babies all around younger than he, laughing, babbling, reaching for things, toddling, standing alone, walking. Even just a few weeks ago, the comparison would have made my heart break, sink further into my chest into despair, envy. But to see him yesterday, his delight in just sharing the day with his sisters, his easygoing, engaging smiles to me and strangers, I couldn't despair. I couldn't be jealous. He has a harder road, more of a struggle but he is my delight. This sweet little stubborn boy who works hard, and loves even harder. He stood up, supported of course, at the aquarium, intently watching the manatee and the fish swim by. Excitement and joy in the simplicity of nature, of fish swimming by and waves and people all around. He leaned back into his big sister's arms and reached up to touch her face and it made me want to cry. I am so blessed with children who love and support each other, rely and encourage one another. The girls took such joy in just showing things to him.

It's been a hard adjustment to make, this new status of a special mom. I struggle with my own inadequacies and fears often. Am I capable to provide everything he needs, the girls needs? What about my own needs? I struggle with frustration and misunderstanding, with feeling overwhelmed and alone, drifting sometimes. But yesterday I caught another glimpse, another reminder of hope and maybe even provision.

I have siblings who have seen me through the rockiest times of my life, shared in the ups and the downs. Yesterday I saw my children demonstrate their own bond, their own willingness to love one another and support each other. It's a little bit of a relief for me. I do my part as their mother and I also do my part to encourage and not halter their bond. I can relax a little in that because I have my own sibling track record. My siblings are some of my closest confidants, my greatest cheerleaders, and also the truth tellers of my life. We can annoy each other, rarely am I the cause of this, guaranteed, but in the end we are in each others' corner. I see this with the girls and Caleb. My goal is to continue to foster it and not impede on it.

My girls have this selfless love for Caleb, it is truly an amazing thing. I hope we can always find the balance and not fall into the trap of catering to Caleb too much but for now I am so thankful for their sweet, loving hearts. I am a very blessed girl.