A step in the right direction

Man, I am struggling tonight. It was a very busy, full day, an emotional rollercoaster of a day as well. And I am reminded tonight about how life is about moments. Moments that shape you, mold you, change you, reform you or sometimes even break you. We don't get to pick the moments I have learned that, but we do get to pick how we respond.

I spent the morning with a room full of lovely girlfriends. I held a sweet little baby, who was not my own, hugged an almost-due beautifully pregnant friend, listened in on other conversations of friends voicing their desire to have more babies. Celebrated with a dear friend's joyful news, and talked of how I am feeling post-op, physically, emotionally. Then had lunch and headed off to my first post- op doctor appointment, a room full of beautiful, abundant, glowing pregnant ladies and a few late in life ladies. I sat with the late in life ladies. I read a senior magazine on bone density, I couldnt bring myself to look at all the Pregnancy and Conception Magazines. I texted my sister, sending out a plea for a lifeline. Quick, make me laugh, distract me, pray for me, save me from myself right now. Then they called my name and off I went to speak with my fabulous doctor.

It was a great check-up, I have to say I have bounced back rather nicely. But he had pictures and discussion for me. Oh I was expecting it but still so not ready for it. My hysterectomy was a direct result of mistakes made from my c-section; I think I have shared that before but if I havent, there it is. And I saw close-up in color pictures of the mistakes, pictures of my damaged womb, my damaged ovary and tubes. And I learned the damage was more extensive than I had originally thought. I dont mind gore, blood, organs, tissue, doesnt bother me in the least. But I have to say seeing my organs and the damage was shocking, upsetting. I have a wonderful surgeon who was able to repair what he could and remove what he couldnt. I am caught up in the removal, in the loss, in the senselessness and the carelessness of it. Preventable, all preventable, and I am not sure how to wrap my mind around that. But you see today I was reminded life is about how you react to the moments. The damage done to my body was in a moment, in that same moment I received the gift of a miracle, my beautiful baby boy. Oh I have heard it so many times over the last two years, "Just be glad you have Caleb, focus on that and dont worry about the rest." It's so hurtful when someone else recommends, even sometimes demands, that you move on. But it is beautiful and freeing, when you, your self can move on. My moment was at least two-fold, loss and blessing. What an interesting dynamic to come to terms with.

I told you of the pictures, I have several sheets of them. My doctor was kind enough to make me copies. I had them on the counter at home. Seneca was fascinated by them, asking what organs were what and where the incisions were made. Sierra was disturbed and covered her eyes and could not look. And my sweet Vanny, standing in the middle of both of them, stealing glances and then hugging me after each look at the pictures; my reassurer. This scene with the girls, struck such a chord with me. I've been like each girl in the midst of this struggle. Most often like Sierra, not ready to fully deal, avoiding. Sometimes like Vanny, diving in for a look, for a reality check and then pulling back, all the while reassuring myself and others. And recently more like my logical, realist Senny. Let's look it in the face and see what we are dealing with, no fear, no disgust, just focused interest and introspect. A key to moving on, at least a step in the right direction.

I'm so thankful I have beautiful amazing friends who share their lives with me. I am so blessed by my wonderful girls and the promptings they give to my spirit on a continual basis. I am amazed by the gift, the miracle of my sweet boy. It makes dealing with loss and ache much easier.