Hold On

     As a wife and a mother of four children, I often feel as though I am saying, "Hold on." Just today I probably said it ten times in the span of a few hours. With homework, dinner prep and clean up, pet duties, and a baby wanting his demands met immediately, that phrase was used repeatedly, sometimes mumbled, sometimes almost shouted; as one child calls out for toilet paper down the hall, the other has a question about her math homework. Next, a dog barking for his piece of dinner as a husband searches for a lost sock needed desperately that evening. Perhaps I should have a t-shirt made with these words but then how would the person on the phone and the person ringing the doorbell hear me? Crazy chaos is my life at times, and that is just in the daily shuffle. My mantra of "Hold on" has helped hold off the chaos or helped to manage it at least. As long as one hears hold on, they know his or her needs will at some point be met and disaster and freak outs are sometimes avoided. I know at times my children and my husband, even the dog and cat, dont want to hear my requests to wait. They dont want their immediate need shelved or not prioritized. And at moments it is hard to determine which person, which need gets answered first. The need for toilet paper? A basic need but it is keeping my four year old confined and sitting still, it can wait a minute. The need to feed the barking dog or answer the perfectionist child on the verge of homework meltdown; the need to find the sock or let the husband remain sockless and perhaps learn to not ball his socks up and throw them under the bed?  Which need do you answer first?  Yes, some things I guess already have a priority spotlight!

     For me though, in the last year of my life, of my mothering and marriage relationship, I have learned an even deeper aspect of "Hold On."   My needs were bigger than a roll of toilet paper or a minute's peace to answer the phone. My sweet precious baby son fought to survive and grow. My lovely daughters struggled to cope without parents physically with them. My husband and I had to wait to hold our son, care for our son. We also had to wait to visit him, and wait to hear of his diagnosis and test results. We also had to wait to see if he would respond to medicines. At times, we even had to wait to see if he would live, if he would survive the next minute, the next hour, the night, the weekend. At moments we watched as machines breathed for him, as donated blood flowed into him, as others tried to revive him. In those moments, it seemed as time stood still. The moments when we prayed, "Breathe Caleb, heart  beat, platelets produce, stomach please work." In those moments we had to hold on. Hold on and wait as time slowly ticked, as moments became hours and days. And also hold on to more unexplainable yet tangible things. Holding on to the promises of God for a son, holding on to the hope of a God who heals, holding on to a faith that sustains, holding on to a belief in modern day medicine, holding on to the peace that a greater power, a loving creator God is in control. Those lessons were not easy, and sometimes I still chafe at how I had to learn those lessons. But the end result, the outcome for me is a beautiful work in progress. I can say, "Hold on a minute to my children,"  but I can also say, "Hold on to God."  No, I dont think God is going to drop a roll of toilet paper out of the sky. Wouldnt that just scare the cr#* out of you! But I do believe He still provides peace and hope and fortitude and many every day blessings and guidance. So each day I try to hold on to those things. I will let you know if ever the toilet paper drops too!