I feel as though I have had a padlock on my thoughts lately, on my emotions. It's been five months since my hysterectomy and tonight that word seems to taunt me, bully me. My 33rd birthday is next month. I will celebrate it with my twin. I will be the one without a womb, with raging hormones and crashing moods, with short term memory loss that sometimes terrifies in it's suddenness and intensity. She will be coming into this birthday with her own loss, her own heartache but that's hers to share. My emotions seem to be on display tonight, no longer willing to be hidden or dismissed.
Friday morning my Vanny had a play date with a sweet little friend from church. I had been to the little girl's house several times as her mother and I are friends. I drove Vanny there that morning, waited until she was settled in and playing nicely and then headed out on errands. On my return trip to pick her up, I became so disoriented and turned around. I could not find her house or even remember what street it was on. I, who pride myself on calm in crisis, became panicked and also began to beat myself up rather harshly. This new sense of disorientation,forgetfulness, mental fog; it's not me. Well, it wasn't me, five months ago. I was finally able to find Vanny at her friend's house, after a major freak out. If I had taken a breath and calmly, rationally thought about it I would have figured out that a panic was unnecessary. I could have returned home and looked up her address in my email, or called a mutual friend to find her. I see that now, I realized this fact hours after the play date actually. But in those moments of confusion, I was distraught and self-loathing and angry. Angry that my body's lack of hormone regulation is such a pain in the butt to me. Eloquent, I know.

I no longer have periods. I have mood swings, hot flashes, cold sweats, periods of emotionality that are atypical for even me. I was discussing birth control with one friend today, discussing fertility with another. And I think tonight, once the house was quiet for the night, my mind began to race with these words that no longer apply to me, fertility, periods, pregnancy, hormone cycles. Sigh, sometimes you just have to stop avoiding reality and work through it.

I feel like I whine in my postings and so tonight I will end this on a grateful note. I do not regret my surgery. I feel so much better physically now. Today I went for a run. Before surgery that action was incredibly uncomfortable. Once my hormones get all worked out, without hormone therapy, I will feel even better. The loss is not something I think I will get over but I do think in time I will be able to adjust.