In an attempt to avoid fluff, more menopause talk...

...Thinking tonight-of writing.
of writing about my hysterectomy
of the state of my body almost a year after the surgery,
of menopause.

I did write about it, an assignment for class, a rushed, last minute, just get it done paper. I will probably post on here soon. I got an A on the paper, was proud of it for a minute. But then I reread it and it just felt like fluff. Because I cant wrap up the last year in five paragraphs. I cant wrap up in a neat, little bow the heartache and loss I felt after losing my fertility from a scalpel. I cant explain away the year of wondering in the darkness, of trying to find my way back to the woman I once was with a few quick words of advice. I haven't recaptured the self confidence I lost. Sometimes I cant identify my new self- more quiet, more uncertain,withdrawn shifting, shuffling my feet almost in this life, not wanting to be recognized or noticed yet.

"Don't look at me, I don't feel youthful anymore. Don't notice me, I don't feel sexy anymore. I lost that. Don't look at me, you might see envy in my eyes or recognize the weariness of my soul."

I miss my period. It's been over a year. I have a hard time realizing that I will never have one again. I know, how ridiculous, how often it was an inconvenience or an interruption into my life but the absence of one makes me cry.

My body has changed in crazy ways I wont share on here. I find myself looking for age spots or wrinkles, as if I am really aging that fast. I'm not. I'm just in premature menopause.

More this year than ever before. I have played with makeup, I have invested in beauty supplies. I've curled my hair, I've painted my nails. I've worn more dresses and high heels. I have played in boots, black stripper boots, brown cowboy boots; anything that goes "clickety clack" in the hopes that the echo will make me feel sexy. I've bought more lingerie this year than I brought on my honeymoon. All of it is a fake out.

A surgery cannot rob me of my inner beauty. The scalpel cant cut that away. My hormones may fluctuate and wreak havoc on my body and my mind, but they are just a part of me, not the full picture. Some days I do have this self awareness, this logic pulls me out of my sadness. Most days I still sense a challenge and embrace it, bring it world, that girl is still inside me. But there are days when I am flat, when my emotions are flat, my hormones fluctuate, my body responds, but my spirit is flat. I am not sure I can describe or explain it to a woman who hasn't been there. And maybe others are different than I.

I feel like I had to redefine myself in some ways after my surgery. I identified so much with being a mother, with being a nurturer, with being a lush and fertile woman in the prime of her life. Suddenly, all I knew changed. I feel like I have had to fight my way back and at times find other things to embrace about myself.

My article wasn't fluff. The advice is helpful, but I know my tone was light. Perhaps it shouldn't be. I wasn't prepared. I didn't know how heartbreaking this last year would be for me as I said goodbye to what I defined as feminine and beautiful. I didn't know how disconcerting it could be to age prematurely, suddenly. I found I wasn't quite ready to grow up so soon.

I remember in the span of one day having a conversation with my twin about her period and my mother about our menopausal symptoms. That night I sobbed because what was happening to me wasn't normal and wasn't natural. How do you come to terms with that? It doesn't happen over night. I still have days when I struggle to deal with the physical symptoms of menopause and more so struggle with the acceptance that this is my life now. But I think each day that goes by, I feel stronger, more confident.

The days and weeks right after my surgery were very dark, bleak days. I don't ever want to go back there. I felt adrift, in a sea of pain and then oblivion as my pain medicines kicked in. I felt alone, lost, forgotten, and unrelatable. My friends could not understand; they were still having periods, making babies, having babies,or trying to avoid making a baby. I was realizing that babies were no longer in my future.

Last spring was not about rebirth and newness to me; it felt more like a long, dark winter. Then came all the other issues that led to the realization that my body wasn't going to recover like expected and that I was experiencing surgical menopause. A final blow for me; it sent me lower than I have ever been. There were days I didn't want to get out of bed. Days I didn't want to talk to anyone. Days I cried, nights I did as well. I pulled the covers up over my head on life for a while.

When that did not work, I tried diversionary tactics; busyness, road trips, shenanigans. Along the way, I found parts of myself. It's still a journey for me. There is no magic pill, no fast and sure way out of the flatness, out of the sadness. There is more than fluff though to my story, to the last year of my life. It has been hard, so very hard, but it has also had it's moments of beauty and of rediscovery...

I found peace in the mountains. I've been several times this year to WV. It always calls me home. My home among the hills, how very true.

I found joy again. On the fourth of July, my daughters chasing fireflies as I sat and talked with my best friend on the back patio. All was not lost because of my surgery, things were shifted and change happened, but the beauty of my life still remains. My children. My family, My friends. I felt blessed beyond measure that night, I felt ready to embrace life and laughter and simplicity again.

I found solace in my writing and in my openness with friends who read my words, my emotions poured out in emails; beautiful, loving friends who allowed me to just be me.

I found passion for old dreams I had set aside. I found parts of myself I had shelved and denied.

There is more, I am sure. But I don't want to do a disservice to my struggle. Not many people talk about this subject, hysterectomies, surgical menopause, early onset menopause. How about periods, most people don't even talk about them and I will never take them for granted again. And so I am beginning to open up, to examine this past year and find out what I can take from it, what I can gain from it, instead of just focusing on what I have lost.