A quiet mid-morning here and I have enjoyed it so much. Little Man napping and my Panda curled up beside me watching a movie. The early morning was rushed and did I say early?. Crave up with the baby so I could curl up under the covers a little longer. I enjoy his effort in the early, before sunrise attempts at conversation with me, after many years of living together he should know better. I am not pleasant in the morning, I am grouchy and annoyed. Yet each day he continues to include me in his early morning rising ritual. It usually goes like this, "Do you know where _____ is?" Or "Can you do this for me today?" I often mumble a response, roll over and pretend he has already left the house. One early interruption per day is my concession. I wonder if he knows that after he leaves, I always offer up a prayer of thanksgiving for him and a prayer for his safety and work day? See, I am not all grouch in the morning. I wish I could muster up the devotion at 5am but my whole body and my mind protest. I am examining that protest today. I think partly because my memory has been triggered by other events on this rushed early morning. Stick with me while I try to piece it together.
I am an identical twin who spent most of her life trying to be noticed for just me and not part of a package deal. Recently I have been examing how much of my personality is really truely me and how much is just a protest and an intent to be different than my twin. Events this morning transpired that brought a smile to my heart and also an introspection to my day. It's picture day for Senny Sunshine and CC. CC awoke and did her usual morning ritual, everything quick and rushed because she just wanted to sleep as much as possible. Senny awoke early, and pleaded with me to curl her hair. I put her hair in hot rollers and watched as CC kept the covers over her head as long as she could before hurriedly getting dressed. Now my girls are not identical twins but they sure played the roles of Chritina and Marlena (circa 1990's) quiet well. I was just like CC, sleep til the last minute and then a ponytail and off to school. Senny just liked Mar, even 'the birds are singing early morning chatter' so distinctly Mar. It made me miss my twin and are living together so much. It also made me think about our personalities and how different we both can be. How much of that is realistic and how much was me saying, " I want to be an individual so if she zigs i will zag? "
It's an interesting question, one I have been delving into at different times in my life. We no longer live together, Mar and I, we don't even live in the same city, like college and our early twenties. I miss her terribly but I do feel I am more of my authentic self nowdays. It is like I can shed my feelings of not measuring up to comparisons because for the most part I am not being compared on a continual basis. Now I know there were things I excelled at and things Mar excelled at and sometimes they were the same things. I also know that I do have characteristics that are uniquely me. Those characteristics were not always celebrated but often compared or critiqued. I can honestly say at times I chose to do the exact opposite of Mar just to avoid comparison. Mar an overacheiver, well then I am a going to be a slacker. Mar - glass overflowing with optimism, well then my glass is half-full, dirty and the handle is missing! See what I am saying, I took it to the extreme, ask my poor mother about my high school attitude. Mar was compliant, well then I will miss curfew and be proud of it. Sorry mom.
But here I am, married, mother, mid 30's, finally feeling at peace with who I am, not trying to prove anything or challenge anyone's conceptions of me. I am realizing more and more that I am uniqely me even though I share the same DNA as my beautiful twin. I am ok being compared and contrasted to her nowdays becauseI feel I can stand on my own. I am not sure where or when the self-assurance or confidence finally appeared. Perhaps it does come from being married, motherly, and mid 30's?
I am still examing this I hate mornings personality quirk and my twinness. Nowdays, I embrace my relationship with my sister more than ever. There is something powerful and comforting in having a sister, even more so I think in having a twin sister. I think also nowdays I get to be the star of my own life, I don't have to share the stage and that allows me to relax a little about who I am. I am guessing that I will never arise singing with the birds, yes Mar did do that! I will never be a morning person, mid morning is even a stretch for me somedays. However, I can say that now I am more authentically optimistic and authentically grouchy. If I am grouchy, it isnt just becasue Mar is happy and so I need to be the opposite. No, nowdays I am grouchy for legitimate reasons.
On a side note, I know both my Senny Sunshine and my CC will have beautiful school picutes today. They are both so adorable and they have been warned to smile like they mean it and no cheesy smiles! I am so thankful my girls have sisters and I try to teach them to treasure and guard those relationships. I also try harder than most to see each of them as individuals. Although I just spent this post comparing them to Mar and I. OOPS!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Highlight of my day
Today I brought my first Christmas present of the season at the same time I bought a Halloween costume for another child. A panda lover will be happy on Christmas morn, that is if she is still into pandas then. A flower child is already happy as well. I gave her the halloween outfit, a hippie dress. Two purchases in one evening representing two different seasons and holidays. Productivity!
We also played animal charades tonight, someone acts out an animal and the others guess what it is. Panda was the best, I wish you could see her lobster and her turtle. Also every other turn of hers was a Panda encounter, too cute. Senny and CC decided to act out their bible lesson on lambs and goats. Lambs follow and goats do their own thing, excpet they forgot to assign an animal to each other and we ended up with 2 goats. Crave kept assigning me animals that had to crawl, I know why but it was still fun. And I wish I had videotaped his dolphin reenactment, complete with sound effects.
I know this is all highly fascinating to read. I just wanted to document the higlights of my day. Crave as a dolphin will probably be in my top five higlights for the month, actually. Animal Charades, better than tv.
We also played animal charades tonight, someone acts out an animal and the others guess what it is. Panda was the best, I wish you could see her lobster and her turtle. Also every other turn of hers was a Panda encounter, too cute. Senny and CC decided to act out their bible lesson on lambs and goats. Lambs follow and goats do their own thing, excpet they forgot to assign an animal to each other and we ended up with 2 goats. Crave kept assigning me animals that had to crawl, I know why but it was still fun. And I wish I had videotaped his dolphin reenactment, complete with sound effects.
I know this is all highly fascinating to read. I just wanted to document the higlights of my day. Crave as a dolphin will probably be in my top five higlights for the month, actually. Animal Charades, better than tv.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Blue sky, cloudy heart
It's chilly outside but looking out my window I see a beautiful blue fall sky. It's been a rather long weekend with a sick Senny Sunshine. She and I spent much time in the ER this weekend, now we are home. She is still recovering and the rest of the family is at church this morning. I am sitting, staring out the window, longing to be out there, even in the cold. The fall colors are beautiful, I missed fall last year. I spent it in a hospital room coooped up and in a mental fog of worry, sadness and depression.
I spent this weekend watching her struggle to breathe as tears silently streamed down her face from the pain of her sore throat and I could do nothing. Oh how it hurt, it sucked to be helpless and fearful; this is not who I am as a mother in most moments. We scrambled to find childcare. CC fretted but adjusted., my oldest child, the one who has to be capable and help out. Vanny full of questions and a stubborness I could not deal with this weekend. She loves her grandparents but she did not want to go. She knows this process of hospitilizations and seperation. I called Ja about four times through the night from the hospital. I didn't need to really, she wasnt that critical, if she was still breathing on her own. So yeah how did that become my new indicator for worry, if a child isnt on a ventilator no need to freak out. Because I did freak out some. I was crawling out of my skin in that little cubicle, watching her O2 drop and buttons beeping and thought this is just too familiar and I need out of here. Eventually the steroids kicked in, her asthma incidents subsided and we were able to go home. Thankfully! The rest of the brood home late last night, a quick kiss, pleas for snuggling from each of them, pleas I left unasnswered, unmet. I was fearful that I was to germfully contaminated to hold them. We cannot pass this virus around, Caleb is too fragile for that. Unmet needs = Mommy guilt. Even today the needs remain somewhat unmet. I know each of them needs time to process and speak out loud the fear they had, the frustration of being shuffled and passed around. The desire for reassurance and order is strong in my children after a year of unknown and disorginization. I am the mother, I am supposed to provide that order and that reassurance.
I awoke in a bad mood, overtired emotionally and physically. Disjointed and furstrated because my own needs for reassurance and order are not being met. It is only the begininng of flu season, what everyone is saying is going to be a deadly or more serious flu season. I have tried hard to not fall into the hype or the fear but I must say this weekend it overwhelmed me. I sat last night holding my sweet little eight year old during her breathing treatments with tears in her eyes as she shared her fear of dying. Somewhere she has heard that the flu this year is deadly and she internalized it and was so afraid. I know the not being able to catch your breath or take a deep breath is scary in itself. I know also she spent last winter wandering if her brother would die. And so I held her and with tears streaming down my face also began to pray for peace and to thank the Prince of Peace.
I do need order, I do need reassurance and I do need a break from just living in survival mode. . I know I need to take the time to process. More than anytthing I know I need to take some time confronting my fears and frustrations and allowing peace to come in my heart. It's been a long weekend, it's been a long year. I feel as though I cant take much more but I know it's only the beginning of flu season, my children are still quite young. I cant seek order and assurance in the things of this world because they are hollow and uncertain. I am thankful for my faith and for my own relationship with God. I am thankful he allows me to waiver and question and vent. I woke up in a bad mood and I cant say I am out of it yet. I have at least recognized it for what it is: A mood brought on not just by lack of sleep and a messy house and children who are acting out, but a mood brought on by the by the battle between the desire to have my own needs met before I have to meet someone else's needs.
I have been in survival mode, with moments of great mommyness inserted, but mostly SURVIVAL. Perhaps self awareness is the first step in moving out of survival mode? Kind of like when you are lost in the woods, you should not move forward until you get your bearings. And so I am aware of my self, aware that I need order but I cannot create that order. I need assurance but can only find that assurance in my relationship with Christ, nothing else in my life is certain. I need a place to be and a place to vent, yeah blog. I need to move forward but not until I have let go of this fear and this "why me", or "enough" attitude. I would like a supermommy moment today but I am willing to concede that I am tired and frustrated and sad and so we will only get a real mommy moment. I think really that is probably better, my kids cant move forward from this crazy year if they cannot admit where they are and who they are now.
The sky is so beautiful and blue and days like this make me feel hopeful, when the weather, ok scenery, is beautiful and it feels like anything is possible. Here is to hoping it is.
I spent this weekend watching her struggle to breathe as tears silently streamed down her face from the pain of her sore throat and I could do nothing. Oh how it hurt, it sucked to be helpless and fearful; this is not who I am as a mother in most moments. We scrambled to find childcare. CC fretted but adjusted., my oldest child, the one who has to be capable and help out. Vanny full of questions and a stubborness I could not deal with this weekend. She loves her grandparents but she did not want to go. She knows this process of hospitilizations and seperation. I called Ja about four times through the night from the hospital. I didn't need to really, she wasnt that critical, if she was still breathing on her own. So yeah how did that become my new indicator for worry, if a child isnt on a ventilator no need to freak out. Because I did freak out some. I was crawling out of my skin in that little cubicle, watching her O2 drop and buttons beeping and thought this is just too familiar and I need out of here. Eventually the steroids kicked in, her asthma incidents subsided and we were able to go home. Thankfully! The rest of the brood home late last night, a quick kiss, pleas for snuggling from each of them, pleas I left unasnswered, unmet. I was fearful that I was to germfully contaminated to hold them. We cannot pass this virus around, Caleb is too fragile for that. Unmet needs = Mommy guilt. Even today the needs remain somewhat unmet. I know each of them needs time to process and speak out loud the fear they had, the frustration of being shuffled and passed around. The desire for reassurance and order is strong in my children after a year of unknown and disorginization. I am the mother, I am supposed to provide that order and that reassurance.
I awoke in a bad mood, overtired emotionally and physically. Disjointed and furstrated because my own needs for reassurance and order are not being met. It is only the begininng of flu season, what everyone is saying is going to be a deadly or more serious flu season. I have tried hard to not fall into the hype or the fear but I must say this weekend it overwhelmed me. I sat last night holding my sweet little eight year old during her breathing treatments with tears in her eyes as she shared her fear of dying. Somewhere she has heard that the flu this year is deadly and she internalized it and was so afraid. I know the not being able to catch your breath or take a deep breath is scary in itself. I know also she spent last winter wandering if her brother would die. And so I held her and with tears streaming down my face also began to pray for peace and to thank the Prince of Peace.
I do need order, I do need reassurance and I do need a break from just living in survival mode. . I know I need to take the time to process. More than anytthing I know I need to take some time confronting my fears and frustrations and allowing peace to come in my heart. It's been a long weekend, it's been a long year. I feel as though I cant take much more but I know it's only the beginning of flu season, my children are still quite young. I cant seek order and assurance in the things of this world because they are hollow and uncertain. I am thankful for my faith and for my own relationship with God. I am thankful he allows me to waiver and question and vent. I woke up in a bad mood and I cant say I am out of it yet. I have at least recognized it for what it is: A mood brought on not just by lack of sleep and a messy house and children who are acting out, but a mood brought on by the by the battle between the desire to have my own needs met before I have to meet someone else's needs.
I have been in survival mode, with moments of great mommyness inserted, but mostly SURVIVAL. Perhaps self awareness is the first step in moving out of survival mode? Kind of like when you are lost in the woods, you should not move forward until you get your bearings. And so I am aware of my self, aware that I need order but I cannot create that order. I need assurance but can only find that assurance in my relationship with Christ, nothing else in my life is certain. I need a place to be and a place to vent, yeah blog. I need to move forward but not until I have let go of this fear and this "why me", or "enough" attitude. I would like a supermommy moment today but I am willing to concede that I am tired and frustrated and sad and so we will only get a real mommy moment. I think really that is probably better, my kids cant move forward from this crazy year if they cannot admit where they are and who they are now.
The sky is so beautiful and blue and days like this make me feel hopeful, when the weather, ok scenery, is beautiful and it feels like anything is possible. Here is to hoping it is.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Thoughst from an Oscar the Grouch
I am so not patient. You would think after four children, two pets, and a husband I would have gobs of patience to put into practice. Nope, I have gobs of laundry, dishes, good intentions and half-finished projects but not patience. My blog is even named Hold On, and tonight that makes me laugh, makes me grimace, makes me feel quite like Oscar the Grouch.
My patience is wearing thin for peace in my home,seriously when does the arguing and bickering between siblings stop? Tonight I think I used scripture threateningly to discipline my girls. "Stop fighting, the bible says to outdo one another in love and if you dont start doing that I am going to take away the comptuter, movies, telephone. None of you will have any fun so start showing love or the fun is gone!" Yep, that was me and as I was saying it I was having flashbacks of my fights with my siblings and wandering was my mom this aggravated, how did she respond? Now my siblings and I are all pretty close and I am so ready to bypass all that sibling rivalry and lesson-learning with my own kids for my own peace.
If I am honest my lack of patience is more than just a desire for peace in the home. It's a desire for peace in my heart. My heart has been torn in two in the last year and I am ready for it to be mended completely. I still feel as though I havent made a complete recovery from the trauma, disappointment, sadness, and stress of the last year. I am ready to bypass all the steps I need to completely heal, the reflection, the growth that comes from walking it out, if someone would just give me some peace or a glimpse of when it will get better, easier. I desire mostly to know of the future, of the peace that could come in knowing that Caleb and the girls will be alright. Caleb won't have suffered brain damage from his brain bleed, Caleb wont have developmental and learning delays. Caleb will walk unassisted. Caleb will not get the swine flu, or RSV or even the regular flu and become seriously sick or be near death again. Caleb will learn to eat without panicking, without gagging and choking. Caleb will say momma and daddy and wave bye bye and clap. The girls will feel secure in our prescense and not fearful that every seperation is scary and long. The girls wont have to feel like their needs arent as important. That is the peace I want, the assurance that all these questions and fears will not come to pass. That my sweet baby boy will not be defined by his premature birth. I want to move out of survival mode!!!
My patience was tested this week once again and I feel like I have hit a wall. Several of Caleb's doctor appointments were rescheduled. We got a letter in the mail informing us of this. It felt so informal and cold. Didnt they know I have been waiting for this appointment since May, and really since his first few days of life when they said he had a brain bleed, but we would just have to wait and see. And so I have sat here all week letting God know that I am not patient, that I am done waiting. This is my wall and I dont want to scale it, rock climbing was more Ja's thing than mine. So no thanks, just move the wall, make the wall disappear, anything as long as I dont have to do it. The silly and honest thing is that I know peace isnt on the other side of the wall, even if I could know the future, know all the outcomes for all of my kids, peace isnt in that. Peace for me comes in knowing that I havent walked any of this alone, and I wont have to now.
As a mother I want the best for each of my children. It is hard to have so many concerns and fears about my children. I want to know that Caleb will walk and play and eat and talk. If I am not careful those thoughts can overtake my day. I did not realize that a year after his birth we would see so many specialist and doctors. Making time for his therapies and appts, working on them at home can be so draining and frustrating.
Lately, Caleb has been doing this amazing thing, when he is on the floor he will make a bee line straight for me and manuever himself in my lap. As if he would rather be held by me than play with any of his fun toys. He wont let me hold his hands or help him do anything, but he will find his way to my lap. It's a reminder to me that I dont have to be patient, I just have to be present.
My mom says she prayed for patience and God gave her twins, so I dont ever pray for patience. I am asking Him to allow me to be more present with each of my kids, with Him, with Jason, and with myself. I dont have to climb the wall, I just have to admit I am standing next to a wall feeling overwhelmed and tired and trust that He will see us through.
My patience is wearing thin for peace in my home,seriously when does the arguing and bickering between siblings stop? Tonight I think I used scripture threateningly to discipline my girls. "Stop fighting, the bible says to outdo one another in love and if you dont start doing that I am going to take away the comptuter, movies, telephone. None of you will have any fun so start showing love or the fun is gone!" Yep, that was me and as I was saying it I was having flashbacks of my fights with my siblings and wandering was my mom this aggravated, how did she respond? Now my siblings and I are all pretty close and I am so ready to bypass all that sibling rivalry and lesson-learning with my own kids for my own peace.
If I am honest my lack of patience is more than just a desire for peace in the home. It's a desire for peace in my heart. My heart has been torn in two in the last year and I am ready for it to be mended completely. I still feel as though I havent made a complete recovery from the trauma, disappointment, sadness, and stress of the last year. I am ready to bypass all the steps I need to completely heal, the reflection, the growth that comes from walking it out, if someone would just give me some peace or a glimpse of when it will get better, easier. I desire mostly to know of the future, of the peace that could come in knowing that Caleb and the girls will be alright. Caleb won't have suffered brain damage from his brain bleed, Caleb wont have developmental and learning delays. Caleb will walk unassisted. Caleb will not get the swine flu, or RSV or even the regular flu and become seriously sick or be near death again. Caleb will learn to eat without panicking, without gagging and choking. Caleb will say momma and daddy and wave bye bye and clap. The girls will feel secure in our prescense and not fearful that every seperation is scary and long. The girls wont have to feel like their needs arent as important. That is the peace I want, the assurance that all these questions and fears will not come to pass. That my sweet baby boy will not be defined by his premature birth. I want to move out of survival mode!!!
My patience was tested this week once again and I feel like I have hit a wall. Several of Caleb's doctor appointments were rescheduled. We got a letter in the mail informing us of this. It felt so informal and cold. Didnt they know I have been waiting for this appointment since May, and really since his first few days of life when they said he had a brain bleed, but we would just have to wait and see. And so I have sat here all week letting God know that I am not patient, that I am done waiting. This is my wall and I dont want to scale it, rock climbing was more Ja's thing than mine. So no thanks, just move the wall, make the wall disappear, anything as long as I dont have to do it. The silly and honest thing is that I know peace isnt on the other side of the wall, even if I could know the future, know all the outcomes for all of my kids, peace isnt in that. Peace for me comes in knowing that I havent walked any of this alone, and I wont have to now.
As a mother I want the best for each of my children. It is hard to have so many concerns and fears about my children. I want to know that Caleb will walk and play and eat and talk. If I am not careful those thoughts can overtake my day. I did not realize that a year after his birth we would see so many specialist and doctors. Making time for his therapies and appts, working on them at home can be so draining and frustrating.
Lately, Caleb has been doing this amazing thing, when he is on the floor he will make a bee line straight for me and manuever himself in my lap. As if he would rather be held by me than play with any of his fun toys. He wont let me hold his hands or help him do anything, but he will find his way to my lap. It's a reminder to me that I dont have to be patient, I just have to be present.
My mom says she prayed for patience and God gave her twins, so I dont ever pray for patience. I am asking Him to allow me to be more present with each of my kids, with Him, with Jason, and with myself. I dont have to climb the wall, I just have to admit I am standing next to a wall feeling overwhelmed and tired and trust that He will see us through.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Seperation Anxiety
I've been in a funk as of late, had one of those weeks, I almost want to say one of those years! But I won't be that extreme. I've also been thinking of another f word and it isn't funk, but I won't go there.
Yeah, it's been one of those weeks and I forgot to safeguard my heart. The unoffendable heart is definately absent this week. So hear it goes, my heartache, my frustration, my anger or self-preservation. Someone said something without thinking 4 days ago and I'm still reeling.
Caleb has just started having seperation anxiety and secretly I love it! No, not the tears or his fear, but that he recognizes and needs me. I was explaining to a friend my new wave of exhaustion due to Caleb's anxiety. Then she spoke, (without filtering) “That's great. I guess he doesn't have mental defects then." I smiled, nodded, and walked away. On the inside I was insulted and infuriated and brokenhearted. Finally, a normal developmental milestone I could relate and share in this stage without all the extra preemie explanations. I could feel like a normal mom again, well as normal as I could ever be. But my normalcy was short-lived and I am still in a funk.
I realize my friend was just trying to be encouraging but she missed the mark. I know people often say the wrong thing in the name of kindness. I have even done that but that isn't very soothing when you are in the midst of an offense.
Words, reality, unknown fears, all of this heavy on my mind instead of just enjoying the feeling of being needed and missed.
Don't worry I do have some perspective, Caleb is my forth child. Soon enough his crying and need for my attention will produce my own anxiety; the everybody just go to bed bedtime anxiety. But for now there is a sweet delight in knowing my baby wants me, NEEDS me. So I work on extending grace to others and embracing our own new family normal. I also work on rejecting fears and negativety. Goodbye funk, no more f words for me.
Yeah, it's been one of those weeks and I forgot to safeguard my heart. The unoffendable heart is definately absent this week. So hear it goes, my heartache, my frustration, my anger or self-preservation. Someone said something without thinking 4 days ago and I'm still reeling.
Caleb has just started having seperation anxiety and secretly I love it! No, not the tears or his fear, but that he recognizes and needs me. I was explaining to a friend my new wave of exhaustion due to Caleb's anxiety. Then she spoke, (without filtering) “That's great. I guess he doesn't have mental defects then." I smiled, nodded, and walked away. On the inside I was insulted and infuriated and brokenhearted. Finally, a normal developmental milestone I could relate and share in this stage without all the extra preemie explanations. I could feel like a normal mom again, well as normal as I could ever be. But my normalcy was short-lived and I am still in a funk.
I realize my friend was just trying to be encouraging but she missed the mark. I know people often say the wrong thing in the name of kindness. I have even done that but that isn't very soothing when you are in the midst of an offense.
Words, reality, unknown fears, all of this heavy on my mind instead of just enjoying the feeling of being needed and missed.
Don't worry I do have some perspective, Caleb is my forth child. Soon enough his crying and need for my attention will produce my own anxiety; the everybody just go to bed bedtime anxiety. But for now there is a sweet delight in knowing my baby wants me, NEEDS me. So I work on extending grace to others and embracing our own new family normal. I also work on rejecting fears and negativety. Goodbye funk, no more f words for me.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Mother-daughter book club
Last night CC and I went to our first mother-daughter book club discussion. We met with four other mom-daughter combos, all girls around ten or eleven, fifth graders. The moms, well once again, I was the youngest but that tends to be the case when you have a baby at 21! We read Ella Enchanted and discussed it. I can't tell you how much fun I had because I have no way to measure it but it was the best! I loved hearing what my daughter thought, I loved the other girl's takes on this character of Ella and all the other players in the novel. I read the book quickly, because CC took so long getting it to me. She tends to read several books at once, I am not sure how she manages to keep them all straight. I enjoyed reading this lighthearted fairytale adolescent book. Then our facilitator sent us discussion questions to mill over before the meeting and I wondered how I missed some of the major themes of the novel like feminism and forgiveness. Nonetheless, I enjoyed our book discussion, especially the speaking points of all the daughters. I am thankful that none of them know of broken hearts and revenge yet. I am thankful that all admired Ella's individuality and trueness to herself.
We are approaching middle school next year and I fret and worry about it. I have the most amazing daughter who strives to be good, is respectful and sorrowful when disobedient, is kind and moral. As she gets older I know she will face pressures and choices, some even more drastic and earlier than I did. I believe she has a good head and a caring heart and a strong moral backbone. I wonder how our relationship will change and when. But I loved last night, the first glimpses of her as CC the preteen in a social setting of girls. She held her own and she also reached out to new friends.
I know that CC looks like me but I have never felt that she was like me. She has always seemed so much better, more generous, more beautiful, more modest, more humble, more outgoing. Last night I saw firsthand someways she takes after me. Her love of reading, her ability to be kind to others, and the way she likes to keep people on track in discussion. It was textbook Christina. Anyone who has ever been in a discussion group with me knows what I am talking about. It was the cutest thing and yeah my sweet, beautiful redhead is a little like me. She inherited something besides my ability to slam a door when mad. Unlike me, she is always quick to admit her wrongdoing and apologize. So she will not be likely to spend most of her preteen years grounded for her attitude. Yeah!
I have many friends out there with daughters and I so recommend a mother-daughter book club. Start one, join one, or just start reading and discussing a book with your daughter.
Our next two books are Utterly Me, Clarice and Rules, if you have a preteen, read along with us! I am also reading with my 8 year old, Nancy Drew books are her favorite right now. She appreciates the one on one time and I love the moments I get to just sit with her curled up next to me.
Happy Reading and Happy Parenting~
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Reflections on a Septmember Evening
I had been in Columbus all week and Crave drove up that Friday afternoon, mom stayed with the girls. He met us at the NICU and we spent all evening in Center Pod with Little Man. Usually they have you leave for shift change for an hour but our nurse knew Crave was just arriving after being gone five days and so she let him stay. She did her hourly checks on our son but she didn't hover or intrude on us. She gave us privacy, so hard to find in the NICU. She didn't disturb us and when she did have to do Little Man's care, she didn't bother us with idle chit chat. She respected our time and our moments with our baby. I had held Little Man when Crave first arrived and the rule was that he could only be held for fifteen minutes once a day at that time, the standard protocol his doctors had decided upon. But that night Takara learned that Crave had not held his son yet and so she made some phone calls to the docs and they agreed that Little Man could be taken out of the incubator once again if he could keep up his oxygen levels and temps. And so I watched my husband, my best friend, hold our son for the first time. He was so very tiny in his daddy's big hand. The tears easily came because I was just so overcome with pride and honor. Crave is the most amazing father and he has always been moved to tears in the first moments of meeting our children, and with Little Man it took my breath away. All we had been through and those scary moments of his birth and the chaos of right after when he was whisked away to be hooked up to a ventilator and all that. Crave went through that fear and chaos alone as he waited for word on me still unstable in surgery. I am so sad that he had to have his heart torn like that, that there wasn't peace when our son was born but emergency actions and no time for the normal bonding. And so this night last year was a beautiful emotional night of bonding. I remember looking in his eyes as he held our son and talked to him and just thanking God that we were both here and both getting to hold our son. That night we each held Little Man for almost a half hour. The doctors came down and talked to us about how he would soon move to the step down nursery and would be weaned off the extra breathing help. He would soon become just a feeder/grower preemie, what they label babies who don't have any health concerns but just gaining weight. We were so hopeful and we stayed very late that night in the NICU.
Takara let us participate fully in his care, which wasn't the case a lot of the time in the Center Pod. The nurses could be territorial and it was a strange place to be in as a mother. The care I am talking about besides medicines and checking his vitals and tube placements is diaper changes and moistening his mouth where the tubes and tape are, things like that. Now I would love for someone to come change his poopy, yucky diapers, back then it was the only thing I could do. But you would have to let the nurse know you wanted to do it. I would leave notes everywhere, please let me change his diaper, please let me wipe his mouth, wipe his eyelids, let me change his tape or his placement. Please please let me do something! Most of Caleb's nurses, especially those at OSU, were wonderful but there were a few who would rather just do it themselves. It was either more convenient, quicker, or sometimes they were just territorial and that was a hard thing to deal with. I hated having to be buzzed in by a security guard and then having to ask his nurse if I could come back to see my son everytime I wanted to see him. Often I would be there all day but not leave to pee, TMI, I know, but I just didn't want to have to go through the security process over. Not because I didn't appreciate the security features it was just jarring to have to go through all that to see your baby. I hated having to call and talk to a stranger to get updates on my son the times I couldn't be with him. I would call and the nurse would either be wonderful or infuriating. Those that gave me his vitals and conditions right away, I loved. Those that said silly things about how cute he was I wanted to verbally abuse. Harsh, I know, what mother doesn't want to hear her baby is cute? The mother who would rather know how many times her son stopped breathing today and if he needed any blood transfusions. So that was my constant battle with nurses, mostly in my own head and heart. The admittance that someone else was taking care of my son when I couldn't, that someone else knew more about him than I did. Also, the constant need to get permission to interact with my son, to be admitted to his pod, to touch him, turn his lights on or off, hold him, change his diaper,it was infuriating and depressing.I should not have to ask permission to see my son! Sometimes when I was finally able to hold Little Man the nurse would ask that I wait until after lunch or whatever and since I needed help with disconnecting his tubes and stuff I was dependant on them. But I learned how to effectively communicate and become an advocate, effectively communicate, what a grown up thing!
I remember a few other nurses from our stay there; some for good reasons, some for their bad attitude, but none stand out as much as Takara. Partly because of the momentous night she was part of, that first beautiful sight of my husband holding his son. Partly because she was striking, beautiful, compassionate and had an unusual name just like my Senny. And partly because the next day our worlds crashed and she was a calming force of information for me.
You see the next morning, Sept. 27 was Crave's birthday. Since we had such a great night with Little Man and it was Crave's birthday we decided to go out to breakfast and visit with our son after the Buckeye game day traffic died down a little. We wanted Little Man to have time to rest because we had stimulated him a lot with our visit the night before and he was still so sensitive to lights, sounds, movement and touch. But early that morning we got a phone call from the transport team from Children's requesting permission to transport our now unstable son to their hospital immediately for a consult with surgeons. We were urged to come quickly to the hospital because our baby was gravely ill. He had internal bleeding they could not pinpoint and other serious issues. We tried to hurry there but traffic was bad. When we arrived we still hadn't received a thorough explanation of what was wrong or what the next step would be. Little Man also had not arrived and wouldn't arrive for another hour but all they would tell us was that he wasn't stable enough to transport. We tried to get info from the new hospital, the nurse's station, the attending at OSU, the resident on call. No one could tell us anything new. So I went out on the green lawn and sat on the ground and prayed and cried. I wanted answers, it was a weekend, everyone had their head in their asses, people were watching the buckeyes in the on call room, I was so frustrated. Then I thought to call the direct nurse line to Center pod at OSU and I asked if Takara was still on. Her shift was over at 7 am but she had stayed hours after, until our son was in the ambulance en route. She told me they had just put him in the ambulance and she told me everything she knew. She told me they had to bag him before they left, that he had needed a platelet transfusion and that they believed his liver was now the problem and she was so detailed and kind. We knew more after my five minute conversation with her than we had all morning.
Little Man was very sick when we were finally reunited. He stopped breathing and turned blue right in front of us. I will never forget it. I used to be an EMT, I don't panic in life or death situations. I have done CPR. But when he stopped breathing I panicked, my world stopped and all I could do was scream for help and then berate them for leaving him alone not hooked up to monitors when he was so sick. And that stared my introduction to the NICU staff at Children's. It didn't get much better but that is ok. We are home now, I can say it is ok now. Little Man is doing quite well. It is hard to believe it has been a year, this week it has all felt very fresh again. I guess some moments in life just stick with you.
But I have also realized that some people stick with you too. And so I am trying to be more mindful of my behaviors and attitudes and words. You never know the impact you are making on someone else. You also don't always know what someone else is walking through at any given moment. We aren't alone in this world, our actions can hinder or help others. Tonight I am thankful for Takara. I am also thankful for all of the staff who took care of my son when I couldn't, those who saved his life, guarded his life, impacted my life and the lives of my family. I am trying to focus on the image of Crave holding his son for the first time and the sights of him now playing with Little Man and the awesome interaction of father and son. They are definately making up for lost bonding time. I am not sure I will ever get the images out of my head of my baby so sick but I am thankful that I now have many more images I can pull out of my memory bank. Those horrible, scary, jarring moments in the NICU are a part of our family's story but I am glad we are moving on. I am trying to hold on to the lessons I learned in the NICU and letting go everything else that holds me back or shatters my peace.
I hope tomorrow we can celebrate Jason's birthday as a family living in hope and IN THE NOW. Because really, Crave isn't getting any younger is he? ha I love you Ja.
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