My Nike statement

The motto for my life, JUST LET ME BE.

If I were to design a t shirt that accurately represents me, my heart, my sentiment, my "Nike" statement if you will, it would say this, "Just Let Me Be."

Not as in leave me alone or do not even think about bothering me; no, that isn't what I mean. I love people, enjoy being involved and invested in people. How can I help, what do you need, two of my favorite statements said genuinely. I've been blessed many times over by friends and strangers who have offered assistance and care and I like to pass it on.
But here I am at 33, wife, mother, daughter,sister,friend, some days wishing I could scream, just let me be. Or even say it in my, calm, mild-mannered, gently spoken voice, almost above a whisper: Let me Be! Let me be.

Let me be the girl I was. Let me be the woman I want. Let me be who I am right now. There are still remnants of the girl I was. Was as in when? Before I became a responsible adult? Before I became a mother? Before I became a mom of a special needs boy? Before I became a woman who lost her reproductive organs and skyrocketed into menopause? The girl who would try anything once, the girl who didn't look for assurances in life but embraced challenges. That girl's motto was "Bring it, I'll be ready." I'm no longer that girl although I try to embrace and incorporate her spirit in simple ways. Life taught me some hard lessons and they changed who I was.

The woman I want to be she seems almost as unattainable as the girl I was who so easily retreated, disappeared. I want to be strong and capable and giving and selfless. I want to be more, so simple in a statement, More. I want to be more than I am now. More than a wife, mother, daughter, sister, those are all roles I play, central to who I am, absolutely, yet dependent on others, on relationship dynamics.I want to be a writer, an advocate, and a capable, confident woman again. My surgery, this change in my life, robbed me of confidence and I stand on shaky ground. I want to be a woman who rises above that.

But right now I'm coping, looking in a mirror trying to find the best reflection of myself. The reality is that I am just staring back at myself and I need to accept who I see, not look for better lighting, or a different angle. I am a woman in the midst of a change I did not want, did not expect but cannot alter. Many days I do my best to just manage all the roles in my life. I don't take time for me and I think it is part of why I don't recognize myself now. Also part of why I feel the need to scream my new motto. For me in some ways change came over night, the birth of a son with health issues, the almost instant onset of menopause after a surgery, instantaneous and shocking alterations in my life. But in other ways, change is gradual, almost sneaking up on you. I became busy with life, with fulfilling the responsibilities of my life, and now my life is full of pressure, expectation and busyness.

I am attempting to come out of the retreat mode I entered into months ago. It seems riddled with setbacks and traps of my own making. I no longer offer the challenge of "Bring it" to the universe. Right now more than anything I just want to be. Be what? Just let me be who I am and not who you need or want me to be. Be whatever I need to be and I can tell you it probably isn't strong or capable.

Mother-daughter book club

Last night CC and I went to our first mother-daughter book club discussion.  We met with four other mom-daughter combos, all girls around ten or eleven, fifth graders.  The moms, well once again, I was the youngest but that tends to be the case when you have a baby at 21!  We read Ella Enchanted and discussed it.  I can't tell you how much fun I had because I have no way to measure it but it was the best!  I loved hearing what my daughter thought, I loved the other girl's takes on this character of Ella and all the other players in the novel.  I read the book quickly, because CC took so long getting it to me. She tends to read several books at once, I am not sure how she manages to keep them all straight. I enjoyed reading this lighthearted fairytale adolescent book. Then our facilitator sent us discussion questions to mill over before the meeting and I wondered how I missed some of the major themes of the novel like feminism and forgiveness. Nonetheless, I enjoyed our book discussion, especially the speaking points of all the daughters. I am thankful that none of them know of broken hearts and revenge yet. I am thankful that all admired Ella's individuality and trueness to herself.

We are approaching middle school next year and I fret and worry about it. I have the most amazing daughter who strives to be good, is respectful and sorrowful when disobedient, is kind and moral. As she gets older I know she will face pressures and choices, some even more drastic and earlier than I did. I believe she has a good head and a caring heart and a strong moral backbone. I wonder how our relationship will change and when. But I loved last night, the first glimpses of her as CC the preteen in a social setting of girls. She held her own and she also reached out to new friends.

I know that CC looks like me but I have never felt that she was like me. She has always seemed so much better, more generous, more beautiful, more modest, more humble, more outgoing. Last night I saw firsthand someways she takes after me. Her love of reading, her ability to be kind to others, and the way she likes to keep people on track in discussion. It was textbook Christina. Anyone who has ever been in a discussion group with me knows what I am talking about. It was the cutest thing and yeah my sweet, beautiful redhead is a little like me. She inherited something besides my ability to slam a door when mad. Unlike me, she is always quick to admit her wrongdoing and apologize. So she will not be likely to spend most of her preteen years grounded for her attitude. Yeah!

I have many friends out there with daughters and I so recommend a mother-daughter book club. Start one, join one, or just start reading and discussing a book with your daughter.

Our next two books are Utterly Me, Clarice and Rules, if you have a preteen, read along with us! I am also reading with my 8 year old, Nancy Drew books are her favorite right now. She appreciates the one on one time and I love the moments I get to just sit with her curled up next to me.

Happy Reading and Happy Parenting~